When I was declared King of Edinburgh by peoples unknown I did not make a fuss about it. If anything I did all I could to quash the title and not promote, because I was embarrassed to have been judged the monarch of the Fringe. And though I ruled for four long and hard weeks I didn't expect to have a four day party at the end where everyone said how fantastic I was. I'd have found that cringe-worthy. I insisted the celebrations were capped at three days maximum. I think maybe the Queen and the BBC should take a leaf out of my book of modesty.
I have been largely avoiding the Jubilee coverage because it's not something that is for me. I don't mind everyone else celebrating the fact that we have a monarchy or a queen who has managed to reign for a long time. And if people without jobs have to be driven in buses to London to work for free and sleep under bridges to make sure this multimillionaire gets a much too long party, then I am not going to stand up and say that that is weird or wrong or insane. Yes, we have all paid for this celebration, but I don't think that means it shouldn't happen. The point of a society like ours is that you pay for everything, even the things that you don't like, unless of course you're really rich, in which case you manage to find ways of avoiding paying for anything. And that is fair.
If people want to take part in a much too long festival of mass-psychosis then that is fine with me. It's a couple of extra days off isn't it? Not for the self-employed, no it isn't. Though I don't mind I've done more writing work in the last two days than I've pretty much managed all year.
But I did tune into about five minutes of the BBC coverage this afternoon and felt very awkward about it all. It was all rather obsequious, with supposedly impartial journalists and newsreaders spouting the party line and not daring to suggest anything negative. Nicholas Witchell seemed to be convinced that the weekend had been such a triumph that it would go down in the history books and never be forgotten and Huw Edwards whole face seemed to be covered in royal faeces, as if not content with nosing or tonguing the anuses of the major Royals he had to get his whole head up there and spin it around like he was a sphincter chimney sweep. The line of questioning of his guests - at this point Ronnie Corbett and Baby Spice (and I hope she'll still get called that even when she is 90 - it already feels deeply wrong) - seemed to be "So what is it that has made this weekend so magnificent?" I wasn't expecting a Republican spokesman to come on and put the other side, but it didn't seem right that the BBC was taking such a fawning and one-sided tone. And just as the bunting and flags in commercial areas seems a bit unBritish, this state TV unquestioning lauding of the monarch seemed more like something we'd be laughing at if it happened in Korea and reminiscent of Stalinist Russia. Were Ronnie Corbett's family being held at gunpoint on the other side of the camera? It would explain why he seemed so distracted and confused.
And I am not saying the UK is like Stalinist Russia and I am glad that I am allowed to voice my disapproval. It's just that this kind of brown-tongued broadcasting just seems laughable in our country. Having person after person saying how brilliant everything is doesn't convince me that that is the case. Quite the opposite. If a few people were saying, "Well I thought a lot of the people were singing out of tune at the concert last night and Peter Kay's introduction to Paul McCartney seemed to plumb new depths of laziness, even for Kay,' then I might be a bit more inclined to accept the eulogies. This is the BBC and whilst I am not expecting balance at a time like this, some sort of perspective would be good. Not necessarily from Baby Spice, but from the actual newsreaders and journalists who are soon going to be reporting on proper news, leaving us wondering if they're just toeing a party line or saying what they're told.
In all honesty I think the fourth day of this was just too much. I could have accepted a day or two of the world going crazy and the poor celebrating the rich and us spending money on this super-wealthy jewel laden granny instead of on benefits for people with disabilities, but FOUR days. Come on. Stop taking the piss. It's like Stewart Lee organised the event as a sarcastic piece of performance art. How long can this go on before someone spots it's just the same thing repeated over and over again? Will the fans continue to cheer and celebrate however long we do this for? How long will it take them all to crack and say, "Hold on, that's enough now."
My only consolation about this was that looking at the Queen you could see she was hating all this just as much as me. Like most grans she would have preferred a little dinner with her family and maybe a glass of sherry and then bed. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that this thing was organised by Republicans just trying to take the piss.
It feels odd to see the BBC and wrong without a sense of perspective for such a long period of time (though I understand that 5Live had a bit more of a humorous and critical take on the event). I hope the people who claim that the BBC is biased to the left were forced to watch every second of this coverage. Not because they would have learned anything. Just because they deserve to be punished.
