I woke up way too early and couldn't get back to sleep. I felt exhausted on the way to the podcast and knew there was only one thing that could help me. It was time for my annual Tempting Tattie. A combination of potato, cheese and mango chutney was all that could help me now. But I was worried. With new owners would the experience be the same? Would the Richard Herring even taste the same? Should I even risk it?
Some changes had been wrought - not least of which was the chattiness and friendliness of the couple now serving in the shop. Like most people I want my potato delivered with a snarl and an absolute minimum of chit-chat. But there was also the worrying development that if you ate in at the shop you had the choice of using actual proper metal knives and forks rather than a plastic spork. I long for the good old days of the Fringe when people ate their potatoes with disposable forks, not vain, commercial reusable ones. Luckily there was a plastic spork in the bag that my potato came in so I could eat it in the old and better way. All potato based change should be discouraged.
I met someone I knew in the queue and she introduced me to her friend. When I ordered my potato - I asked for a medium potato with cheese and mango chutney rather than a "Richard Herring" mainly for fear of looking mentally ill in front of people I knew - and the friend commented that that was an unusual combo. The woman behind the counter said, "It's surprisingly popular actually." Yes of course it is. But she clearly didn't know why or who I was or all the work I have done to promote her stupid shop. Where's my picture behind the counter? Why can't people point to it and immediately receive this popular potato?
It took me almost two decades to get to the point where the last man realised who I was and I had a wonderful three or four year period where if I went into the shop I would receive a free potato in return for all the publicity and support. It was similar to the Nandos blakc card that is given to certain celebs, but better because it's more exclusive and can give you free potatoes.
But now I am back to square one, anonymous and unknown and reduced to paying out my own cash. That's going to set me back almost a fiver a year. In any other Fringe that might not be too big an ask, but with my poor ticket sales this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
The Richard Herring was pretty nice. I think they may use a different butter though. There was an odd taste in there somewhere. Have they skimped on cheese? Some customers came in and started discussing how different the new owners were and how the last man here had barely given them a "hello". The new owners took this as a compliment. But was it one?
I am not sure. Why must things change? Why can't potatoes be the same as they were in the 1980s?
I was disappointed that I was a bit tired as I had been looking forward to sparring with the wonderful Sarah Millican on my podcast. Last year, I think it's fair to say, she had won the battle of wits on the podcast and she had expressly stated that she wanted to return, even though she doesn't have a show this year and I was going to show her who was really the funniest one of us. I mean, come on, she's a girl one - everyone knows that they aren't funny.
I am afraid to report (spoiler alert) that Millican's victory was even more comprehensive than last year. It's strange to come up against a TV comedian who is actually funny in real life without script writers (though I suspect she may have paid out thousands to her writing team in preparation for this afternoon and came ready prepared with her zingers), but boy this woman is sharp. But I am going to claim that I actually get off a little bit on having a funny woman wipe the floor with me. I could have actually topped all of her gags, but chose not to for my own sexual gratification.
It got a little disgraceful in places, but hopefully we both have the charm to get away with it -
all the links are here.
I had a slightly tougher evening show, with a rain-sodden audience who I found it difficult to whip up into a frenzy, but I gave it my best. For me at least numbers don't seem to be on the rise either. Though on the bright side the podcast does seem to be doing better than last year. And my hope is that if less people are making the trip to Edinburgh that this might mean more people come to the tour. So let's stay positive!
And I finished the night with some proper Fringe fun, appearing in Mark Watson's silly and delightful Edinborolympics. I have been fairly antisocial until the last couple of days and it was really cathartic and enjoyable to be taking part in a little Fringe happening. I was competing for Team GB against Al Pitcher for New Zealand and the David O Doherty for Ireland. Though I didn't fare well against these two giants in the standing jump, I held my own in the admin task (where we had to divide frozen mixed vegetables whilst texting and peeling an orange) and I also proved to be something of an expert at throwing an orange into a bucket whilst wearing another bucket on my head. When I say expert I was the only one who succeeded with one of my 3 throws, but that was enough for me to get gold. I forgot about being tired and annoyed about ticket sales and had a real laugh. I had also been told to spread a lie during the day and had tweeted that I had been confirmed as a contestant on the next series of Dancing on Ice, before retracting the tweet and claiming I was in trouble and then trying to "pretend" it was a joke. It was a complex lie, which hooked a few people (some of whom believed each retraction too) but that was only enough to earn me a silver. And fair enough cos David had managed to convince the world that his lookalike was working in a local cafe (even though it was him).
Don't worry I am 99% certain that I will never appear on Dancing on Ice. Though you could help eradicate that 1% if you buy tickets to my shows!
It's easy to forget but this is a Festival and it was great to be in the middle of something so uncomplicated and enjoyable. Get on a train or a plane and come and see some stuff in the second half of the run. You could make some damp and bedraggled comedians very happy and you might even have a laugh yourself.
