Was very sad to find out that Terry Nutkins had died. He seemed like a genuine man and I had no idea that he was ill and he was still pretty young. I have always found the otter the most comic of animals - mostly due to the name, though it's also a reassuringly ordinary, yet slightly bizarre creature. Otter is a funny word. Wetter than an otter's pocket - lovely phrase. I just wrote a joke involving otters in my Rasputin script. And Nutkins, famously, had had two of his fingers bitten off by an otter. Something he apparently bore as a badge of honour. Not a nice thing to happen, but not that bad a thing to happen in the grand scheme of things. And appealing comic as a notion if not a personal experience. Terry also had a funny name, that sounds like a childish euphemism for testicles or Russell Brand discovering a new name for the same or as Johnny Candon pointed out making him sound very much like a Beatrix Potter character.
I found out Nutkins' death on Twitter and after initially voicing my dismay and surprise I decided to tweet a little joke in tribute. I had been surprised to learn that Nutkins had eight kids (there was certainly nothing wrong with his nutkins) and so I commented "Nutkins had 8 kids! Amazing work. I bet he only stopped because any more than that and he wouldn't have been able to count them."
It's a neat enough little joke and I saw it as an affectionate tribute. Most people thought the same but inevitably a few people questioned the timing "Too soon?" a few people tweeted back (some certainly joking, but some probably not). But I wasn't making fun of his death (and nor would I - as I'd made it clear I found it upsetting), I was making a joke about his life. And I'd hate to think that someone dying puts up some shield of seriousness that must not be penetrated for.... well, how long? If I'd waited a day would it have been OK? Or an hour? Seems more sick to put a time limit on it in most ways. In terms of funniness the joke would diminish with time. If I tweeted that in a week it would seem an odd and maybe more disrespectful thing to do.
I would hope that when I died people would look back at my life with the affection that was pouring out for Nutkins. I would also hope there would be no solemnity and that people would remember me with laughter. Certainly if they were just combining two facts from my life without judgement or malice. As I then commented, "Joking about someone's life is not the same as joking about their death. We all pay tribute in whatever way we see fit." Someone was concerned that my joke might be the way that some of Nutkins' friends or relatives learned about his death. It seemed unlikely. And to be honest if they were on Twitter then they would have been made pretty quickly aware of it. And in any case that's a pretty typical example of someone being offended by a joke on someone else's behalf.
By all means treat death in any way you wish and you can give it this hallowed ring of mawkish solemnity if you want. But there's nothing disrespectful in my comment - unless you take it quite literally and think I am suggesting that Nutkins could only count on his fingers and was yet somehow unable to view his two half fingers as full units. And whilst some of us might like to think that the clocks will all stop and the world will go into mourning and teenage girls will thrown themselves off cliffs in despair when we die, I think most of us would be much more content to think of a reaction of sadness and chock, followed by a fond recollection of the things we'd done to make people smile.
Joking about stuff doesn't mean you can't take it seriously - quite the opposite in many cases. It's a way to cope, a way to celebrate, a way to smile when we might want to be sad. And fucking Hell that joke is not in anyway offensive.
I did wonder whether when in Heaven Terry will get his fingers back. Will God (or the guilty otter) return them to him so he is whole? And what if, as I suspect would be the case, Terry Nutkins doesn't want his fingers back. It's part of who he is not to have those fingers. Would God force him to have them back? Or sort out some kind of system where he can pick and choose with detachable fingers? And if God's giving back fingers, what about hair? Terry wouldn't be Terry without that distinctive bald head surrounded by flowing locks. If God reinstates missing bits then it might be hard for us to recognise each other. But then again if he gives us a choice about our bodies - about how old or complete they are - then surely a lot of people would opt for cosmetic surgery style enhancements or massive cocks. Yet if there's a hard and fast rule that you get to look exactly how you looked when you died then that isn't very fair on people who've been in fires or been blown up by a bomb or a plane crash.
God would have to make a hard and fast rule one way or the other and I hope it's to reinstate everything, because I'd love to be there to see him trying to give Terry Nutkins his fingers back, whilst Terry Nutkins fights God for the right to stay as he was. But if Terry succeeds then what happens to the spirit fingers? Do they go to some separate Heaven for unwanted appendages or do they just get to lie around in normal Heaven not really able to do anything?
It's questions like these that top theologians seem to refuse even to consider. If I'd written the Bible there would be a big appendix at the back dedicated to such issue.
RIP Terry Nutkins.
And another tweet came in asking if I had been in a restaurant that I hadn't been in, someone asking if I'd been eating with my parents and girlfriend in Taunton. I hadn't, though again I wouldn't admit it if I had as it would make things awkward with my wife. But who is this doppleganger going around trying to make people think I have the disposable income to travel the country eating in and getting thrown out of fancy restaurants?
