As a man who (possibly erroneously) claims to have invented the jukebox musical with my 1993 non-hit "Ra-Ra Rasputin", I have always been interested in stage shows that use the back catalogue of an artist to create a theatrical experience. They're very popular and have made millions for their creators (currently Ra-Ra Rasputin has lost me money, but all that might change if I ever get round to finishing the TV script). So I thought about having another go at it this morning. It's all very well choosing a popular singer or band with a huge back catalogue (the most recent addition to the genre is one using the music of the Beatles- massive kudos for having thought of that brilliant idea), but what about trying to write a jukebox musical around an artist that is no longer popular and had limited success even when he was? What about writing a juke-box musical about a one-hit wonder?
That brilliant logic led to me, this morning, coming up with "Shaddup You Face", a musical based around the hit of Joe Dolce. Anyone could make a Beatles musical a success and to be frank if you choose a group like Queen you could write a script that involved all the characters taking shits on stage between each number as long as they then played all the standard hits (and from what I understand that's not too far off the approach that Ben Elton took with the musical), but you'd really have to work for a Joe Dolce musical. No one would come for the music, you'd have to write a brilliant script and you'd be forced to find ever more inventive ways to use the one song that everyone knew throughout the two hour extravaganza. I discovered
on wikipedia that Dolce actually released an impressive nine singles and eight albums, but as none of his other songs are popular or remembered at all I think it would be wrong to use any of them. So far I have the plot that a noisy, but miserable Shrek (obviously there has to be a Shrek in it) moves in next door to Joe Dolce and Joe Dolce spends the next 90 minutes trying to get the Shrek to be quiet, whilst enquiring about the cause of the ogre's depression. I think it could be a big hit. But most importantly it would require a really brilliantly written script to be so, because no one would be coming just for the music. Though you could guarantee at least 100 ticket sales a night die to the Shrek - that's where I am a shrewd writer/producer, (although the rights to use the character would probably cost more than the money you could take from a year's run at the O2 arena, which is where I would definitely be putting the show on - I've already booked it up). I think I have a smash on my hands. A smash that will neatly satirise the credulous and idiotic British public and their appetite for being force-fed excrement. Hopefully they will happily pay £75 a head in order to have their own stupidity satirised. I trust they will appreciate that it can't be a proper satire unless they actually pay out that money.
After that I plan to do "Jack and Jill" the musical, in which I just put a few extra songs into the Adam Sandler vehicle and put it on stage. I will probably have to get actual twins to play the Adam Sandler character (although the film almost managed to get by without them both being in the same room) so maybe Jedward would be up for it. The effeminate one could play Jill.
I am going to be a West End smash and probably make millions (as long as Shaddup Ya Face runs for ten years minimum), spend that all on luxury goods for myself, but more importantly I'll be effectively satirising West End Theatre and the idiots who go to it. And also I will be satirising the producers of these works by aping them and their luxury lifestyles. I will be snorting coke off a prostitute's breasts in a jacuzzi full of money in an ironic and post-modern way. And building up a portfolio of property and avoiding paying tax as a way to show how evil and corrupt capitalism is. I am the best satirist ever. Though obviously slightly copying Jimmy Carr's clever satire of the same thing.
If anyone wants to invest in either Shaddup You Face or Jack and Jill:The Musical then do get in touch. Though obviously if the projects don't come off I will keep your investments as a satire of people who invest in things and also a satire of people who just steal those investments.
