My runs generally take me down to the Thames, which is one of the most pleasurable things about this crazy enterprise I've let myself in for. It is a beautiful river, especially at sunset, but it is also the historic heart of this fine and disgusting city. It has been there throughout all the trials and tribulations that this capital has had to endure, ever since the first wandering tribe of nomadic Cockneys discovered it and decided that they would be able to argue and steal more effectively if they all stopped in one place. Preferably with a river running through it, which they could poo in and which would graciously carry their effluent away to somewhere where no-one would notice it- Southend-on-Sea.
As I traverse its muddy pathways I feel I am not only communing with nature, but with history itself. The river has always been here. No, it has. ALWAYS! Ever since the earth was created. When all around it was molten lava, Old Father Thames (or as I prefer to call it, Old Slightly Strange Uncle Thames) has just kept shuffling along. Those waters are the same (though maybe slightly dirtier, thanks to generations of Cockney cack) as those that carried William the Conqueror, Charles I and the Sex Pistols on that night they were arrested by the river police.
Every time I cross Barnes Bridge I spit into the water, so that part of me may join that never ceasing flow through the centuries.
And it's quite lucky that I like the Thames, because not content with running a Marathon this year, I have also agreed to take part in a "Celebrity" version of the Boat Race. I put celebrity in inverted commas mainly because the fact that I am in it shows how loosely they are applying that term (so far I've heard that my boat will include darts commentator Sid Waddell, talentless actress and male impersonator Emma Kennedy and Natasha Kaplinsky off of Breakfast time).
Essentially two teams of people who used to be on telly or are in an advert, who also went to Oxford or Cambridge University and most importantly have never rowed, will compete in an alternative boat race, I think, to be shown on the day of the proper one.
I have never rowed. I certainly wasn't interested at college. I thought all the blokes who rowed were total wankers who seemed to spend most of their time drinking pints of each other's piss. I hope that's not part of it. I don't want to drink Sid Waddell's piss.... Natasha Kaplinsky's, maybe.
However, the kicker for me is that we will be trained to row by Olympic hero and sportsman of the century Sir Steve Redgrave. Which more than makes up for the fact that we will almost certainly be made to look foolish. I'll put up more details as and when I know them and doubtless be writing about the experience on here.
I was going to write about the medical that I had to take yesterday to check I was fit enough to take part, but then I read Emma Kennedy's rubbish blog and saw she had written about it and the doctor had said exactly the same things to me as he said to her. Word for word. I thought his hilarious banter was all ad-libbed.
He did tell me that at this time of year, if a boat capsizes that survival time in the water will be limited to four minutes. The idiot. The actual rowing is much more likely to kill me.
Look out for more news of my encounters with Olympic heroes and Z list celebrities.
