I am in a slightly tricky position regarding Edinburgh as I only have a week before I am meant to write my entry for the Fringe programme. Obviously this means, in an ideal world, I will know what show I am going to be doing by then.
There is a big part of me that wants to go with the Hercules idea, but a side that realises that this gives me a very limited amount of time to both do my tasks and then write the show. I don't want to rush things and be forced into doing things that require no preparation. Some ideas I have had also require a fair amount of travel. I think it will have to wait until next year.
Which is a shame partly because it means I have to come up with something else and partly because I had a great idea for a task this morning.
I have been bemoaning the fact that Hercules has already selfishly killed all the mythological creatures in the world. This morning as I lay in bed it struck me that this wasn't the case. What about the Loch Ness Monster? Hercules never got to go to Scotland and the Nessie legends didn't surface til around the 6th century AD, so that fearsome monster was safe from Hercules' purging of the gargantuan and bizarre.
Until now.
I have decided to purchase a sword, go up to Scotland and sit on the banks of Loch Ness, possibly holding a big tasty fish to tempt Nessie out and then the minute she waddles ashore I will drive the sword through her heart, chop off her head and evermore wear it as a hat.
What I like about this task is not only that I will conclusively prove the existence of the elusive monster, but also that by immediately destroying it I will make myself very unpopular with locals and scientists who would probably like to have studied the creature.
You may think that Nessie has never done anyone any harm and has been very good for the tourist industry, but if I want to be an all conquering hero then I can't just let dangerous and non-existent creatures gambol freely around our lakes and countryside. They are a scourge that must be wiped out. And then be worn as some article of clothing.
It will make me the most famous and unpopular man in the country.
I also like the fact that whilst I am waiting for Nessie to rear her ugly head, I will be sitting in a deck chair on the shore, with a big sword beside me and that people are bound to ask me what I am doing. When I tell them they will think I am mad and possibly attempt to arrest me. But you and I will know that I am not mad; I am simply trying to perform an heroic task. They said Jesus was mad, they said da Vinci was mad, they said Jeffrey Dahmer was mad. They were right about the last one. But I am not mad. Clearly. And I won't be leaving the loch until Nessie has been despatched.
You may begin to see why my twelve tasks may take a bit longer than previously expected.
