CNPS numbers spotted 6 (873).
I seem to be the king of the low speed car accident (usually not involving any other vehicles). I've damaged my car about four times in the three years I've had it and have never been travelling at more than 5 miles an hour when I've done it. Interestingly I have also never been playing CNPS when these accidents have occurred.
Early on I caught my wheel arch on the back of another car whilst reversing out of a parking space (did an incredible amount of damage given the speed); then I put a bit scratch down the side when I was backing up to allow another car by and didn't spot that the workman's hut I was parallel too had a slightly annoying protruberance about ahlf way down; more recently I thought I'd done serious damage going over a speed bump (extremely slowly), though luckily I had merely dislodged a screw.
Today I had taken a wrong turn (my navigational skills are terrible - which is what I wrote about last Monday too only to have the priceless entry lost in the maze of cyberspace) and got a bit hot and huffy, not sure how I was going to find my way back to where I needed to be thanks to a strange one way system and worried I would be late (as it happened I was 35 minutes early).
I did a U-Turn in a small side street (no longer in a one way bit I should add), which it turned out wasn't big enough for my U and which also had the highest sided pavement I had ever seen. The underside of the car was suddenly on the pavement and there was an awful screeching and wrenching noise. What the Hell had I done now? I shouldn't be allowed out on the roads. At under five miles an hour. When there are no other cars around.
I got out to see what the damage was. There was a big chunk of plastic undercarriage on the pavement. I picked it up and tried to work out where it had come from. It seemed to have an arch on it, as if it had come off the wheel area, but there didn't seem to be any corresponding damage on the car. But I don't understand cars and maybe I was being stupid. I just hoped that someone else had attempted the same stunt as me and been similarly surprised by the pavement and had left without picking up the bit of their car that had dropped off. I put it in the boot of my car just in case it belonged to me. Though it didn't look like anyone would be reattaching it any time soon.
On looking under the car I could see some liquid rather ominously dripping out of my car. I had pierced some tank or other. Could it be petrol, or brake fluid? Or maybe the water tank had been punctured. I have no idea. And aside from knowing that a car needs petrol, water and brake fluid I don't know where these things are located or whether they can be forced to drip out quite so easily. All I know is that I am fucking idiot who seems intent on destroying anything nice or useful that I own.
I drove off, not sure if the car would grind to a halt or explode. I kept checking the petrol gauge to see if it was going down faster than it should. I kept checking the brakes and they seemed to work. I would have checked the water, but I'm not sure how you do that or why there is even water in the car. I suspect it is there to quench the driver should he become thirsty on a long journey. That's OK, I never use it. I just buy some diet coke instead.
When I got to my location I got under the car to have another look and sure enough the liquid was still dripping away. I tested it with my finger and smelt it. It was odourless, which ruled out petrol (I know this smells, because it smells really good) and possibly brake fluid (though I really have no idea) and made me think that it was probably some kind of water.
I wasn't going to drink it though, I'm not an idiot.
What if I was driving through a desert and I broke down? I'd need that water then and would regret lying under the tank and scoffing it all when there were perfectly good shops with vanilla diet coke in them all around me right now.
I just hoped whatever this liquid was that it wasn't all that important to the fucntioning of the vehicle. I am sure there are hundreds of things in a car has in it that it doesn't really need.
When I got back to the car after doing my private business I noticed that the liquid had stopped dripping. I took this as a sign that the car had repaired itself. It couldn't be that all the liquid had now dripped out and so there was none of it left. No. The self repairing thing is more likely.
I figured that maybe the water might keep the engine cool so as I drove back home I kept an eye on the previously mystifying temperature gauge. It didn't seem to be moving. Though then it looked like it had gone up a little. But maybe I was looking at it from a different angle. Or maybe it always fluctuated a bit. I don't know. I never look at it. I only use my car to get me from one known CNPS car to another these days anyway.
I guess I'm going to have to take it back to the garage. In order to stop myself looking like an idiot I am going to pretend to the men there that it was my girlfriend who drove the car on to the pavement. Then I'm going to pull a face that sort of says "Bloody women drivers hey, guys" and shake my head.
The joke will be on the men for laughing back. I don't even have a girlfriend.
Then when they give me the huge bill for the damages I can say, "My bloody girlfriend will be paying me back for this.... in sex."
And then I'll look at their impressed faces. All the time laughing inwardly at them for believing me.
Then I will drive home. On my own. Probably running into a bollard on my way.
