There has been a crack in my kitchen wall for over a year, which I've been ignoring in the hope that it will get better. Strangely this has not happened. When will so-called science invent a house with a self-repairing skin. I have one all over my body; surely it's not that difficult to create something similar for masonry - which is surely less sophisticated and good than me.
In fact, whilst I've been away the problem has got slightly worse. My best guess is there is a leak coming from the bathroom above. This might be borne out by the fact that the flooring in my cellar has slightly warped. Oh dear, I think this might be expensive.
But having lived my life in a bubble and not really ever having had to do grown-up things like this before I have no idea who to call: A plumber? A builder? A surveyor? A candle-stick maker?
Whenever I have had call to use a tradesman in the past I have always been right royally ripped off. I am as scared of them as a mouse and a fly put together, possibly in some kind of crazy genetic experiment. Scientists have the time to do something as pointless as that, but as yet work on the self-repairing house remains unstarted. I hate scientists. And the mouse-fly only has tiny wings and so can't fly around. But it has a really scary face, like Donny Darko, except more like a fly crossed with a mouse.
Everything I have breaks and I am useless at taking care of anything. This is why I should not be allowed to have nice things.
Obviously I am now going to have to overcome my fear of tradesmen and make some efforts to have my home repaired. So if any of the more grown-up readers could email me and tell me what kind of tradesman I require (and better still if you live in West London recommend me one who won't lie to me or rip me off - yeah like any of those exist), then I would be most grateful.
I realise I am a pathetic idiot (which is what makes me such great prey for unscrupulous workmen), but what you going to do?
I am an artist and I shouldn't have to deal with these day-to-day distractions.
