Today I was offered a part in another reality TV show, this time one called "Extreme Health Farm". Essentially it's a series where "celebrities" are sent to far flung destinations to experience a week at a retreat designed to improve their physical, mental or sexual well being. Predictably I wasn't getting the interesting one about sexual power in Thailand (which seems to be just a week's worth of wanking in a dark room - which I all too often do for free in the comfort of my own home), but they wanted me to go to the Himalayas to experience an extreme de-tox. It promised "One of the toughest and most effective detoxes with digestion exercises and a strict diet, with weight loss, improved digestion and spiritual well being among the results."
Although I would be slightly concerned that this might involve tubes being stuck up by mouse-hole and the country being privy to the contents of my large intestine, I would have been quite interested in doing it. It would be cool to go to the Himalayas for a start, but after Edinburgh a week of purity and detoxification would be most welcome.
The brief said, "Each day starts with an hour of Yoga and energy work followed by drinking of saltwater that causes the body to purge itself of toxins, both through the skin and in the form of instant vomiting. Food is a vegetarian and the course often sees people losing up to ten pounds of toxic waste in one week. The course leader is British but helped by Indian gurus local to the region. Accommodation is in a basic hut structure in the foothills of the Himalayas."
I would willingly vomit on national TV if it meant losing ten pounds.
But alas, I am unable to do it anyway as I have a recording of "That Was Then, This Is Now" (check home page for details of how to get tickets) on that week. I also have to wonder if they're asking me what quality of celebrity I would be accompanied by. So when you see, let's say, Vicki Michelle throwing up a thick saline solution (on the Extreme Health Farm programme, not on any video you might privately own), then think to yourself, "But for the scheduling of an obscure Radio 2 show, that could have been Richard Herring's vomit I was looking at" and consider the vagueries of an occasionally kind fate.
Oh I almost forgot, "Hello Sophie Boyack!" I am doing a fund-raising gig for the charity she co-created "Scene and Heard" next month. See home page for ticket details. Please support this excellent charity - there's a link to its web page in the links section!
