Today I wrote to Nestle, the maker of Polo mints, with an enquiry for my book. Here’s what I said –
“Dear Sir or Madam,
I am a writer and am currently working on a text-book about the anatomy of the penis for the good people at Random House publishers. I know this might not seem in any way relevant to your good selves at Nestle, but please bear with me and I'll think you'll see that it is.
This text-book aims to revolutionise the study of biology in schools and I am working along with examination boards to totally re-define the dull terminology which is currently employed in biology text books. I am sure you remember from school how confusing and off-putting all those Latin terms for body parts could be. We have realised that if children are going to learn about and more importantly understand how their bodies work we have to re-invent the language of biology, to make it hip and "down with the kids" so to speak.
Still don't see how this would involve Nestle? Stick with me, I'm getting to that!
You must also be aware that education is currently in financial crisis. We are constantly searching for ways to pay for all the books and equipment that schools need. Sponsorship is obviously a great thing for both the schools and the companies who give them money. The kids are your target market for so many of your products, so obviously if they see your brand-names in their lessons, they are more likely to buy your wares. Surely that kind of publicity (as well as the good publicity of helping the cause of education - and I don't need to tell you that Nestle could do with being seen as the good guy at the moment) is almost priceless to you.
So, how can we make this come about? Simple. One of the essential components of the penis is a body known as the CORPUS SPONGIOSUM. I know. Dull, dull, confusing name. But it strikes me that what this body most resembles is a tube of spongy Polo mints. My idea is to re-name this structure "The tube of spongy Polos", and I think kids will respond to the power of the imagery, as well as the humour. We will be bringing science and the penis to life for them. Of course, I wouldn't want to give such advertising away for free.
Clearly if Nestle were to sponsor this book and the new terminology, then we could tie in some promotional idea. Perhaps the guys at Polo could even bring out a special edition pack of spongy polos as a new line! Think about it. The opportunities are endless.
I'm hoping we can come to some arrangement and I am in negotiations with other firms about other possible tie-ins so would appreciate a swift response.
I hope we can work something out on this one, for the good of education and of Nestle.
Yours faithfully
Richard Herring”
Don't worry, I won't accept their dirty money if for some insane reason they agree to go along with it.
But I will let you know if they get back to me.
And for those many, many people concerned about my fence, Simon Streeting came round and fixed it for me today. So all it back to normal. The nightmare is over.
