Due to popular demand I have set up a Richard Herring forum at
http://messageboard629174.aimoo.com
So if you don't like the guestbook and want to discuss things in an ordered fashion then please head there. I won't hang around in there too much though, so if you have a more urgent query then use the guestbook or email facility.
Tomorrow I am flying to Croatia to do a stand up gig. This one came a bit out of the blue after I mentioned that I wanted to get a chance to try out new material in Warming Up recently. I hadn't really expected anyone in Croatia to respond to this appeal, hoping that maybe there would be some promoters closer to home who would be prepared to give me a try. But if Croatia is the only place that is prepared to book me (presumably everywhere else has heard about my arrogant attitude and diva-ish demands for reasonable sandwiches). Once I had ascertained that I would not be expected to learn Croatian (how do you translate "porridge guns" into Croatian anyway) and that the audience would be able to understand English I thought, "why not?" I am not one to turn down a free trip to continental Europe and for once I would be performing myself rather than watching a European version of me destroying my work of genius by putting songs in it .
I haven't really had time to write any new material yet, so I spent the day trying to work out what I could do to fill 40 minutes. It seemed like a good opportunity to do some stuff about Croatia, but shamefully I know very little about the place.
So I Googled it, much like it is now trendy to Google someone when you are going on a date with them. I figured that if I found out it was an awful place, in the middle of a warzone that like a Googled date who is clearly a mental nightmare I could ring up to say that my gran had just died so we were going to have to cancel.
The first site I chanced across was clearly written by a Croatian trying to promote his country and make it look good in the hope of attracting tourists. You can imagine that if you're doing that then it's very important to grab your readers' attention straight away and put the most exciting information about the place right at the top.
Here are genuinely the first two facts on that website:
FACT 1 - "Croatia is the 26th biggest country in Europe (both in size and population)."
Wow, the 26th biggest country in Europe. That's just bragging isn't it. 26th biggest. That's going to get the tourists in, "Gee honey, can you believe Croatia is the 26th biggest country in Europe? We've gotta go there!" I didn't even realise there were 26 countries in Europe, but according to this Croatia promoting website, there are 47. So it's 26 out of 47, not so bad then - it's almost in the top half. If you're 26th out of 47 then you don't go around boasting about how big you are. No-one is going to be impressed. Better to point out that you are the 22nd smallest. That's what they should put on the website - make a positive of it. It's slightly more impressive to be the 22nd smallest country than to be the 26th biggest. Higher up the league table. Top half, this time.
Fact 2 on this website trying to get tourists to come to see this wonderful place and this really will impress people. "Croatia has the greatest emigration rate in the world....after Ireland"- That's going to get people flocking over there isn't it? "Let's go to Croatia, the place that even the people who live there are trying to get away from". It's got the second highest emigration rate in the world! People are falling over themselves to get out of there. It must be a fabulous place. I reckon Croatian people spend most of their lives thinking that Croatia is really big, then someone tells them that there are 25 bigger countries in Europe alone and then they say, "Really, shit, let's get out of here!"
So I am going to try something similar to that at the start of my set tomorrow. Let's see if they go for it or if I end up in a Croatian prison for my impertinence.
