I gave myself a day off today because I havenÂ’t had one for a while and Diane and me went off to do some touristy things in London. I had casually suggested the London Eye, which she was keen on and then on looking at Time Out we found out it was the 5th anniversary of this formidable large spinning wheel and that visitors today would be rewarded with a bottle of champagne. That swung it then!
I had “flown” on the Eye relatively recently (see how I deride their insistence that this ride is a
flight), but itÂ’s a fun half an hour and -were you even paying attention?- they were giving out free bottles of champagne. One each. No way would that turn out to be a trick and the bottles would turn out to be those small ones that you get on planes. After all this wasnÂ’t a flight was it. I suspected we might get a magnum and the bubbles would be vintage Dom Perignon.
Incredibly though I had been tricked. The exact opposite of what I expected came true and the bottles were small. Who’d’ve thunk it? Still, you can’t complain, except about them calling the experience a “flight”, which I intend to do much to much for the rest of my life at every given opportunity to anyone who will listen and also to some other people who won’t listen.
I was pleased to see that security was fairly tight as although IÂ’d happily watch a film about people trapped in a pod that was precariously hanging off blown up London Eye and could fall at any minute, I didnÂ’t want to experience that for real. I suspect then I would find out just how incapable of flight each of those pods actually was, though it would be cool if they did actually fly off at the first sign of danger like some kind of crazy, out of control, Darth Vader escape podule. I was less pleased to note that the men with the hand held metal/bomb detecting device, after detecting that there was something in my coat pocket, merely asked me what it was. I told him it was my phone and showed him that, but he didnÂ’t look inside the pocket to see if there was also a bomb or a gun in there. So comes my second piece of advice to would-be terrorists. If you have a bomb in your pocket, also put some keys or a mobile phone in there and you should be able to get aboard the Eye, no problem. Also make sure you secure film rights before you do it, cos I for one will be buying a ticket to see the movie based on your wicked and evil enterprise. Though I canÂ’t condone terrorism, I still enjoy a spectacular as much as the next man.
We rode (rode, mind you, not flew on) the wheel, sipping champagne through our straws and nothing untoward happened. As we looked down on the houses of parliament I remarked that I had never been to Westminster Abbey before, so we decided to go and have a look after we had got off the ride (not landed).
As we got off the amusement a steward said, “Please put your empty champagne bottles in the recycling bins yonder.” I think this may be the first time I have ever heard the word yonder used outside of a film or a play. “Yonder?” I repeated incredulously. “Yonder?!” Was he hoping for tips from impressed American tourists - “See, they really do say yonder! How quaint.”
ItÂ’s a great word anyway and one that I think I might use more. I ask you to do the same. Especially when talking to Americans.
Westminster Abbey, which is just up yonder from the Wheel was bloody great too. Where else could you pay a mere eight pounds to see over 3000 dead posh people? Many of the tombs are wonderfully ornate or morbidly salacious and you get to stand within feet of the mortal remains of actual proper historical figures like Elizabeth I, Mary I, Richard II, Henry VII and Geoffrey Chaucer from off of the Canterbury Tales Experience. You may have read about them in history books. Also the coronation chair of Edward the Confessor is in there, which is like nearly a thousand years old (although the Scotch people have managed to get back their Stone of Scone in the last decade which seems a shame. Not that they’ve got it back, which is good, but that they were more interested in some rubbish bit of stone, than having the chair with it, which is at least useful). More importantly you can see the place where Elton John sang “Candle in the Wind” during some woman’s funeral a few years back.
I think IÂ’d rather get buried here than in St PaulÂ’s as I previously wished
in this entry. I noticed a spot on one tomb where there was room for a third figure, next to the medieval knights. I guess someone else thought he’d be added on later, but he wasn’t. I thought about lying there for a bit, just to get a feel for how I would look, but there was a man in there who looked like he would tell me off. But I think I’ll get in there when I am dead. And I want Elton John and Kiki Dee to do “Don’t go breaking my heart” at the funeral, please. Unless I die of a heart attack in which case that would be inappropriate and I will have “Rocket Man” and you needn’t book Kiki Dee. Unless I die of a heart attack whilst either a) travelling on a rocket or b) being hit by a firework rocket or c) eating some rocket salad in which case I will have “The Circle of Life” from the Lion King. Even if I am eaten by a lion I still think that that would be an appropriate choice.
And by my tomb there should be a guard placed 24 hours a day, whose only duty should be to answer the question “Where is Richard Herring buried?”, by pointing and replying, “Yonder”.
