I am thoroughly enjoying my regular appearances on the Andrew Collings' show on 6Music every Sunday (
If you were stupid enough to miss it, you can listen again each week at this location). Andrew and me seem to spend the half hour I am on giggling like schoolboys at our own stupidity.
Basically I go over the Sunday papers with Andrew picking out any amusing stories. This week the most fun one was about Barry Chuckle from the Chuckle Brothers who had been attacked by a husband that he had attempted to cuckold. Barry had allegedly asked the man's wife to come to a layby somewhere so he could fondle her bosoms. Her husband not surprisingly did not like this (and it must have been a bit galling that his wife was not happy with him and had considered having an affair with Barry Chuckle instead. At least if it was Paul, the younger one it would have been easier to bear) and went round to his house and hit him with a spanner. This wouldn't be funny in any other circumstance, but the fact that it was Barry Chuckle who was being hit means that it is.
But there was also a great story about that secretary woman from the FA who is saying that all the men there either did her or wanted to do her or sexually harrassed her. The News of the World had an extract from one of her emails that was so heavily censored it was impossible to make any sense of it. The quote read something along the lines of, "The art of giving **** **** is to breathe in and **** the *****."
I would argue there isn't enough information there to be able to have much of a clue about what the original email said. It's a puzzle much harder than the most difficult Suduko. We obviously weren't able to discuss it too extensively on air, but I have no such restrictions on here. Now it's pretty clear that the first hidden words are "blow jobs". The NOTW could have made this a bit clearer by not censoring one of the two words as neither of them are rude on their own. But what of the rest of it. What is the art of giving blow jobs. It must be something that means you have to breathe in first. So "lick the balls" for example does not make much sense. I thought the five letter word might be "shaft", but again there is no need to censor this on its own without the other words as it is not a rude word in itself. Off air Collings suggested that the five letter word might be "sperm", but couldn't find a four letter word that would make sense of that. In any case I argued that if the sperm has arrived then you have already given a good blow job. Andrew came up with my favourite guess which was "to bite the glans". This has had me laughing all day.
Seriously I would love to know what the art of giving blow jobs is, in case I am ever called upon to give one, or more importantly advise someone else who is giving me a blow job badly on how to do it better ("Bite the glans! Bite the glans!"). Yes, definitely the latter scenario, not the former - I don't know why I said that. So if you can work out what it is then please do tell me as I still don't know. Maybe it isn't "blow jobs" at all. If only the NOTW could have been more clear or just left a few more letters in.
Incidentally if any of you are kicking yourselves for not joining in with the "Someone Likes Yoghurt" programme fund and wish you had a copy, then you can still get yourselves one.
Simply go to www.justgivging.com/richardherring and make a donation of at least ten pounds and then email me your address to richardherring@richardherring.com and I will post you a copy forthwith. Obviously you won't get your name in the programme any more, but you will still be helping out SCOPE and get your own signed copy of the programme.
