As I was going up the escalator at King's Cross on the way to the British Library I spotted Big Cook and Little Cook coming down the escalator next to me. I decided to pretend I hadn't seen them and so didn't try to catch their eye and wave at them, mainly because I was pretty sure they would know who I was
and would almost at some point have read this entry and seen me slagging them off. Whilst
Avril Lavigne might not read this weblog and if she did would probably not recognise me on the tube, I am pretty sure someone on the comedy circuit will have drawn Ben and Small's attention to that entry (and in any case they look like the kind of blokes who spend most of their days, when they're not travelling on escalators hoping to be recognised, googling themselves. Unlike me. I never google myself. And anyone who says I do.... and so on). So now they will have read this and found out that I was pretending to ignore them. I know they recognised me as I heard a bit of a kerfuffle as they went by and when I looked round Big Cook Ben was looking up at me. So really he knows already that I was ignoring them, ashamed of having secretly slagged them off in my diary and then foolishly put it on the internet for public consumption.
But I didn't feel guilty for my deceit, because - and if you don't want your illusions shattered then please look away now - Little Cook Small is in fact not a tiny man, and nor is Big Cook Ben a massive giant, in real life the two cooks (I said cooks, oh you read it clearly) are both (on average at least) the height of normal men. In fact, and this is the really shocking thing, Little Cook is a good foot taller than Big Cook (who is a short arse of almost Herringian proportions). Yes, I know, it's a fucking disgrace. How could they have lied to us all so effectively. They must be laughing up their sleeves at us and all the tiny children who love them so, knowing that in reality Big Cook is small and Little Cook is big. Oh the delicious irony.
I tried to apologise for them, I must admit. I tried to imagine a scenario where this wasn't a horrible and evil lie. I think it is maybe possible that Little Cook has used the millions of pounds he has earned from his TV show to have some comprehensive plastic surgery and stretching which has made him grow from six inches to about six foot six (in height I mean, missus, though I suspect surgeons would use a similar technique to the one in the email I get four times on a daily basis). If this is the case then it is short sighted of Small. Although I can imagine it is hard to live life blighted by such small stature, it is his littleness that has actually got him where he is today. That is his gimmick. So although now he may be normal (he has actually become freakishly lanky, and will probably now be mocked for that - irony upon irony), the show Big Cook, Little Cook will suffer from his vanity. They will have to name it Big (well 5ft6) Cook, Slightly Bigger Cook and Small's attempts to fly on a wooden spoon will now look laughable. The promising careers of the half-arsed culinary pair will now be cut short, just when they were about to break into Hollywood. Now the BBC will be forced to use expensive camera trickery to make the big Little Cook appear little again. It will cost them a fortune and of course won't have the realism that previously made the show what it is.
You should accept who you are, that is the moral of this tale.
Maybe it's all just been a lie from the start and the men were always this size (not when they were children, obviously, apart from Big Cook who apparently hasn't grown any since he was three years old). In which case I think it is irresponsible for the two of them to travel together. What if a small child or 37 year old comedian were to spot them and have all their illusions shattered? If travelling alone, Big Cook could just say Little Cook was asleep in his pocket and Little Cook if challenged could merely explain that Big Cook is five hundred feet tall and so can't travel on the tube.
Whatever the truth, Big Cook, Little Cook are evil and if you see them together in the street please throw things at them. In fact carry a selection of the dishes they have made on the TV show with you at all times and then if by luck you see the mendacious pair then throw those at them. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways and apologise for their subterfuge.
What they have done is as bad as anything from the documentary film
Capricorn One.
