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I will have a tour manager for most of the dates on the Lord of the Dance Settee extravaganza, but I am doing these first few on my own to save a bit of cash after my finacially disastrous Edinburgh Fringe. Today I was reminded of why I stopped driving myself on the longer jaunts. It was a very long and stressful journey from Newcastle to Crewe, taking about five hours, made all the more painful by the fact that I will be criss-crossing the north of the country all week. I arrived at the venue a bit frazzled and sweaty and on stage felt bit light-headed and ill. I still did a good and energetic performance but I had to dig deep. And professionalism dictates that I can't risk being below par by doing this for more than the occasional one off gig.
The Lyceum theatre in Crewe is a real beauty and it was the first time I'd been here (I believe). It's quite a rarity now to play a town that I've never done comedy in. But it was a 600 seater and I'd sold under 50 tickets earlier this week, so I wasn't massively looking forward to it. in the end well over 100 turned up and they were a solid and appreciative crowd and I had a lot of fun (when I wasn't worrying that I might keel over). The stairs to the dressing room were decorated with photos of some of the stars from the 70s and 80s who had played the theatre. Rod Hull, Stan Boardman, Jimmy Cricket, Cannon and Ball, Max Boyce, Ken Dodd and Peter Davison and Gabrielle Drake all looked down at me. It's 30 years since their heyday, but I could name pretty much every person in the photos (one of the actresses with Davison was only vaguely familiar and I didn't know her name), which is an impressive hit rate for showbiz. This is an ephemeral business and yesterday's stars are soon forgotten. Will my photo look down on future performers at a theatre or comedy club and will they even know who I am and if they do what will they remember me for? Most of these performers could be summed up by a catchphrase or significant role, some of them are dead, all of them are somewhat faded and older (though Doddy keeps rolling on). As nice as it is for them to be remembered, it was also a reminder of how transient success in entertainment is. It's really about enjoying the moment, for performer and audience. Everything else is more or less bullshit. Though seeing these photos did ignite a warmth within me as I remembered who I once was and what these people once represented. Back then I would probably have sneered, as I did to Ted Rogers and Don Estelle, but now I respect them all and what they achieved (so far so good for all of this lot as far as Yew Tree goes). Indeed the affection is so strong that my current computer screen saver is a pic of my and Jimmy Cricket taken at his daughter's wedding. I am proud to have shared a backstage in Crewe with all of these professional idiots. A wall of fame in the backstage gloom of a theatre in Crewe possibly speaks more of the dual pointlessness and wonder of notoriety than anything else ever could.
After the show I headed to a Holiday Inn next door a 24 hour Macdonalds, which one again, couldn't really do any more to shatter the illusion of showbiz glamour. A few years ago the post gig loneliness and come down used to get to me, but nowadays I am more than happy to retreat to my room, send out some tweets and enjoy my own company. My true treasure waits for me at home (my iPhone 6 obviously) and I am happy to have done my job and helped support those I love (and pay for my iPhone 6 contract). So far the numbers are OK if not spectacular, but hopeful that the tour will do well enough to keep my head above water. Massively appreciate the support I am getting. 120 people in Crewe is genuinely more than I could have hoped for. And the theatre staff were brilliant at this venue, so I hope I get a chance to come back again and build on that.
Talking of the vagaries of show-business every now and again I get an email from abroad somewhere asking for an autograph from someone who claims to be a big fan. Occasionally these people are genuine admirers of my work and I am more than happy to send them an autograph or some free programmes (usually in return for a small donation to Scope if they can afford it - again that's something that genuine fans won't mind doing). Mostly though they are clearly written to a template by someone who has no idea who I am and is just attempting to collect every autograph in the world through some obsessive compulsive desire for completion, or possibly profit (if it costs them nothing to get the autographs then they have every chance of selling them on later if the person they're asking suddenly hits the big time)
I wouldn't mind so much if the person was honest about their intentions, but it is mildly offensive that they think I am stupid enough to believe that a person in Spain who gives no information about me is a big fan. They should either tell the truth or be slightly artful in their attempts to procure my name written on a photo (if they really want that). It's the laziness of the copy and paste attitude that annoys me more than anything else.
But I enjoy emailing them back and challenging. Here's this week's useless autograph hunter:
"Hello,
I´m a great admirer of you from Germany.I would therefore be very happy if you could send me 2 or 3 handwritten autograph pictures of Richard Herring. (WHAT A STRANGE WAY TO PHRASE THAT. I KNOW HE'S GERMAN, BUT SURELY HE DOESN'T NEED TO PUT MY FULL NAME THERE IN AN EMAIL THAT IS ADDRESSED TO ME ANYWAY)
I would be very pleased if you could fulfill my wishes. Many thanks in advance for your kindness.
I wish you all the best for the future!!!
Yours sincerly,
Olaf K****eâ€
I emailed Olaf back
"I do not believe you are an admirer of my work, but on the off chance you are and you just write like you work off a template I will happily send you some signed programmes in return for a 25 euro donation to the charity SCOPE via www.justgiving.com/dancesettee
Let me know when you've made the donation and will post those on to you.
If you are an impoverished true fan then I would consider sending you autographs at my own expense, but would require some proof of you knowing my work and an explanation of why you admire me. I wonder what work of mine you have seen.
If however you are just someone emailing anyone vaguely in the public eye on the hope they will send you something for free that you may one day profit from then maybe take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and think about what you're doing. Or at least be honest in your email.
If you are truly an admirer of my work like... oh no clues, then none of the above can offend you. You can only be offended if you are a liar and then maybe the actual offence would lie elsewhere.
Looking forward to your donation
Richard Herringâ€
I think the pomposity of that is excused by the offensiveness of the original missive, but maybe I am wrong. I considered giving out his address to you all so that you could send him signed photos of yourself. If he is interested in collecting signed photos of people he has never heard of then surely that would delight him. But having seen things like that escalate out of control I think it might amount to bullying of someone who could very well be vulnerable and is certainly a little bit sad. And I suspect that some of you would send offensive photos or worse.
But if any of you are genuine admirers of my work and would like a collection of all my show programmes (apart from menage a un which has run out - also I only have a few Hercules Terrace and original Talking Cock programmes left so if they've run out you won't get them) and a good selection of leaflets and this year's stickers (whilst stocks last) then donate at least £15 (a little bit more if you live abroad) to my justgiving page and email me your address (and if you don't want all the programmes then specify which ones you require) and I will happily send them out to you. Make it over £20 and I will put a signed copy of my 10 DVD in there as well.
Olaf has not replied yet. I am beginning to suspect he doesn't admire me at all.
