I have become very good at writing newspaper articles, very quickly, on demand. No doubt partly due to the exercise of writing Warming Up I am quite efficient at taking a subject and then banging out five hundred to a thousand words on it. I write Warming Up (usually) in about half an hour, but it will usually take me another hour or so to polish up something for publication. Whilst I quite like the free-from nature of this blog, it would be rude to not be a bit more professional when someone is actually paying you.
Three weeks ago I was asked by the Sunday Times (prompted by my evil PR people) to write 800 words on the scatalogical opera director, Stewart Lee. He too was going to write 800 words on what he thought of me and my work and then they would put the two bits together in their Culture section timed to coincide with the Edinburgh Fringe at which we are both appearing. Which is better publicity than appearing on Breakfast News I think.
Although the deadline was some way away I had decided to knock the piece off straight away so I could get on with the rest of my proper work.
But every time I sat down at my computer I couldn't for the life of me think what I should write. It should have been easy. It's a subject that I know an awful lot about, but perhaps I had too much experience to condense down or maybe I didn't really know all that much about the man who I had spent 13 years of my life sitting in a room with, attempting to come up with some funny things to say about moons or sticks or preferably both these things combined in some way.
It was also hard to get the balance right. I think Stewart is a brilliant stand up and (mainly) a good bloke, but if I were to write that then the article would be sickeningly obsequious. I also have loads of dirt to dish on him and a unique window into both his working method, his personal life and his psychological flaws, but then to put those in a public forum (especially when he was going to be doing the same about me) might be regarded as bad form. The only thing I was sure about was that I wanted to start the article with a quote from Simon Munnery who introduced Stew at Cluub Z by saying "Stewart Lee, who isn't as clever as he thinks he is..... but then who
is that clever?"
The project dragged on. Every morning I would stare at the computer screen and the few notes that I had made, but not get any further with getting the thing done. I suppose it was partly that I wanted to do a good job for the sake of my friend, but it was also strange having to think back over our relationship to work out my objective opinion about what makes the moody funster tick. It made me ask a lot of questions about myself and my own motivations. I suppose it's a bit like looking back at a major relationship you had five or six years ago, where you've had time to let the dust settle, but where too much important stuff happened for you ever to be objective about it. But forcing yourself to look back actually reminds you of how stupid
you used to be!
I decided that today I would finish this article come what may and despite a brief hiatus where I allowed myself to watch surely the most flimsy and disappointing
Diagnosis Murder ever (now that's saying something, but I think this one might have been written by a room full of monkeys or Dom Joly it was so poorly conceived. Dick Van Dyke would be spinning in his grave, had he clearly not made some kind of pact with the devil which means he will never die.
But then I was back on the case and finally after a full day of tearing out my hair I had got something that I was pleased with, which combined the right amount of humour, rudeness and flattery. Though I may be wrong and it may turn out that Stewart will never talk to me again.
It won't be in for a couple of weeks, but will be well worth checking out when it does. Just remember that whatever Stew writes about me is lies, unless he is nice about me, but I can't really see that happening, can you?
Happy wedding anniversary mum and dad. Sorry I forgot to send you anything, but surely a slightly late mention in Warming Up is better than anything money could buy.
