Since the attacks and failed attacks on London this month bicycle sales have apparently gone through the roof. I am annoyed about this. Because I was thinking of buying one before all this happened (
and ha ha, here is the proof - an historically dated document), but now feel I can't. Because the bloke in the bike shop will be looking at me and thinking, "You coward, you have allowed them to change your way of life. I hate you and everything that you stand for. I am only selling this bike to you because there is nothing legally I can do to stop you purchasing it, but if I had my way I would stick the pump where the sun don't shine - in your anal passage."
You might think the bike shop owners would be delighted by this turn of events, but it's well known that people in bike shops love their country more than anyone else and the reason for increased sales would stick in their craw.
Anyone who suggests that far from being Islamic Fundamentalists it was actually the Confederation of Bicycle Manufacturers and Salesman (CBMS) who organised the assaults on the tubes and buses of this fine town, is very far off the mark. I won't have that kind of talk on my webpage.
If I had a brand spanking new bike I would have to cycle everywhere shouting, "I was going to buy this anyway, it's not because of terrorism. I am not a pussy. Like all the other new cyclists that you can see in front of me. The terrorists have not won."
So I am still travelling on the tubes and buses and the good thing is in this post 7/7 world that so many people are cycling everywhere that you can now usually get a seat. The terrorist's plans have agains back-fired. Not only have they helped to make our transport system more comfortable and less like a cattle truck (it would have cost billions to modernise it, but now there's no need), but also people are getting fit by cycling everywhere and will live longer on average (though how many of the new bike users have been knocked off and killed already in London's horrible traffic? The unofficial victims of the terrorist atrocities).
We're all more scared of the police now anyway. It was a bit of a nippy morning today and I couldn't find my leather jacket so was considering putting on my long winter coat. But then I thought that the police might see me, be suspicious of me wearing inappropriate clothing for our wonderful British summer and execute me in the street, just in case. I do have a beard as well after all. And there would be quite a hefty bulk under the coat that anyone would assume was a bomb rather than the result of guzzling pizza and beer. No-one would blame them for the mistake. So I just went out in my shirt instead. People shouted at me, "You coward! Going out without a coat on. The terrorists have won."
"I'm not on a bike though," I countered.
"No, but you are walking along rather than using public transport. Scared are you?"
"No, no bus or tube runs down my street."
"The terrorists have won! Won I say!"
I always hate it when newspapers make suggestions about what terrorists might do next or what mistakes they made last time. "What are you doing?" I internally shout," Terrorists can read you know, you're giving them ideas." I especially hate it when the media keeps going on about the possibility of nuclear or biological attack - it's almost like they are goading them, saying it won't be a proper attack unless it kills millions. However, I did come up with another brilliant invention today, but one that can only be used for evil. However, I am sure no terrorists read this site and that if they do it converts them back to not being terrorists so I can share my paranoid idea with you. At the moment on the tube everyone is eyeing up rucksacks suspiciously, so wouldn't it be better to change tack. In any case, rucksacks are quite small and can only contain a small amount of explosive. Wouldn't it be better to put your bomb in a giant suitcase. "Ah Rich, my poor fool," you say, "But how would the terrorist set off the charge? He'd have to open the suitcase, thus making himself look suspicious in advance."
"Ah [insert your name here], my poor fool," I reply, "But what if it was one of those suitcases with an extendable handle, which allows you to pull the case along on its wheels. What if you set up some kind of detonator in that handle, like the ones they use when blowing up buildings, or in old war films when they destroy bridges. The terrorist could drag on the gigantic suit-case and then some way into the journey merely push down the handle from its extended position and bang! No-one would know what had hit them!"
"You are pure evil," you then say, "Why would you have such an idea?"
"I don't know. These things just come to me. It's like the mobile violin thing."
"Yes, but that was less evil and more stupid and amusing."
"I don't know why you're complaining, you don't go on the tube any more. You cycle everywhere. I'm just saying this so people can be vigilante. If you see any tourist about to unextend their extended suit-case handle I think you would be within your rights to shoot them."
I bet you've all thought of more evil plans. I won't tell you about my really brilliant one. I'm guessing the lazy incompetent terrorists won't bother going to the James Bond style lengths to invent the suit-case mechanism - not when they have feeble minded boys who are prepared to blow themselves up in the hope of getting 72 virgins in the next life. But what kind of virgins would be interested in mass murderers like them? I'll tell you what kind: it would be the kind of women who write to serial killers and who want to marry the Yorkshire Ripper and stuff. Have you ever seen photos of these emotionally retarded fools? They are all really unattractive and weird looking. Before you blow yourself up in return for some virgins, make sure you get to see some photos of the virgins and also talk to them on the phone to find out if they are mental. Remember to ask them, "Why have you been saving up your virginity to give to a cold-blooded killer who is also going to be shagging 71 other virgins at the same time as you?" It will be interesting to hear their response. I think it will be, "I think I can change you."
I suppose the thing is that we are all capable of thinking of bad things. It's carrying these things out that makes you a problem.
