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I am now part way to looking like Jaws from James Bond (and thanks to the year of celebrity deaths there is now a vacancy should they wish to reintroduce the character - RIP Richard Kiel) as my metal back tooth has now been attached. And I am warning you, tooth, I have paid enough for you. If you fuck up again I am having you ripped out and replaced by a massive diamond. This filling better last me until I am dead. And it’s got a projected lifespan of eight to ten years, so I reckon that should do it.
After my mouth became unnumbed I put on my Lord of the Dance Settee crown and recorded a King of Edinburgh Christmas speech for the monthly badge subscribers. It will go up on your secret channel at 3pm on Boxing Day Eve (so excited about Boxing Day this year). If you’ve not yet joined the uncoolest secret society in history yet then
this might be the perfect time. You get to see it all - my crazy serial killer office, the sofa where Collings and Herrin once sat, a talking cat and an appearance from Robot Voice himself. You don’t get that with Queen Elizabeth II. Though I have to say it was harder than I imagined to think of anything to say, so I have a new found respect for our monarch. She probably doesn’t just try and ad-lib it in her attic two days before broadcast though.
I kept my crown on for most of the day, not because I was feeling Christmassy (I hate Christmas and am much more a fan of all types of boxing), but because I was emulating my hero Prince Simon from Burning Love (and we all get that reference, right). I got so into the crown, which inadvertently and annoying sent little sprinkles of gold down on to my forehead making me look like I’d glittered up like some kind of Jesus fan, rather than box fan (I love all the kinds of boxes, you know what I am saying? I am saying I like boxes that you keep things in. Not vaginas). I had to go next door to deliver a package that they hadn’t been in for and I nearly forgot I was wearing a crown. I took it off just in time, though ironically this is the one week I could have got away with it without looking like a madman. They weren’t to know that this wasn’t a Christmas crown, but a crown I was wearing because I had managed to give myself a nickname whilst pretending other people had started and had then decided to emulate the queen by giving an unwanted address to about 1000 idiots. Thank goodness. Otherwise I would have looked insane.
We watched the Christmas special of Man Down tonight. I had wondered if the series could continue without Rik Mayall and if it did how they would address the tragic death of this irreplaceable force - Greg Davies’ real life father had been so much of the impetus behind this series (and Greg’s stand-up) - but they really judged it perfectly, with Greg’s character feigning an indifference that we knew was fake, looking forward to inheriting his father’s car and what else he could get from the will. The plot was silly, surreal and sometimes just plain stupid (who would have thought a travel sweet being thrown at a cow by a man dressed as a choirboy could be so funny? - but inexplicably it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen) and they waited until the end to turn on the emotion in a subtle but very moving way. I welled up as Greg realised that his father’s antics had been a way of showing that they were mates. And in the end I blubbed for the character and for Rik and then again as the closing credits came up to reveal that Greg’s actual father had also passed away in this horrible year. The continuation of the stupidity and childishness and slapstick, rather than some darker or more maudlin episode was the perfect tribute to these two brilliantly hilarious men and this show was the fitting tribute to Rik Mayall that Channel 4 entirely failed to provide at the British Comedy Awards or anywhere else. The show will go on and is strong enough to lose such a seemingly vital component and shows that the correct reaction to tragedy is to pick ourselves up and carry on and keep laughing. Death doesn’t have to make us sombre and sometimes a light-hearted approach can be much more genuine and effecting. The world seems to want us all to take serious things seriously (and of course, to some extent we have to), but finding the joy in a person’s life is a much better tribute. Perfectly judged tonight by the Man Down team. Well worth a watch if you want a laugh and a cry.
After I had reiterated my point about 2014 being a horrible year on Twitter, I went to the kitchen and stepped barefoot on to some cat vomit. Which might not be the worst thing that's happened this year (but it's close), but certainly confirmed my point. If only I hadn't taken my crown off by then it would have been perfect.
