Unusually organised for me I managed to book my train ticket to Edinburgh about a month ago and got a good deal as a result. But I arrived at Kings Cross slightly early after my last appearance on the Andrew Collings show (that’s the correct spelling of his name, by the way. The BBC are the ones who keep misspelling it so if you’ve got a problem please complain to them. Even Andrew himself is sometimes stupid enough to spell it wrong and even pronounce it as “Collins”, but it is vanity on his part. He is ashamed of his Collings roots and is trying to fit into our culture by Anglicising his surname, but it will not work, just as it hasn’t worked for Tony Blairs, John Majors or Lee Major) and saw a train was about to leave. It would get me into Edinburgh 45 minutes earlier than planned. It crossed my mind that I might not be able to use the ticket on this train, but figured no-one would really mind and that if they did I could just get out at the first stop and wait the 45 minutes there.
As it was Sunday and my booked seat was on the next train I thought I would treat myself and get a Weekend First upgrade, so I sat in first class, plugged in my laptop and started watching the Simpsons. I did think that I might not be able to upgrade on a cheap ticket, or that it might cost me more, but could always move seats if challenged.
The inspector arrived quite early on. I asked him if I could upgrade and he said I wouldnÂ’t be able to unless I wanted to pay a bout eighty pounds. Then he noticed I was on the wrong train (only very late and I donÂ’t think he would have spotted that if I hadnÂ’t been in first class) and he said that I would have to either pay more money or get off at the next stop. He said I could ask the guard to see if there was any way around this, but that was one of the conditions of my cheap ticket. I said that this was fair enough and went up the train to go to standard class and see if I could elude the inspectors and stay on the train.
On the way down the train I saw the comedians Daniel Kitson and John Oliver. There were probably a hundred comedians on this train. If it crashed the future of British comedy could be slightly different. I stopped and chatted with them and hoped that the conductor might not notice me. This wasnÂ’t helped by the fact that they were also sitting in first class (get them) where I had been specifically forbade from sitting. But maybe if I was in a group the ticket men would be confused and bamboozled and not know who I was. Could I get away with this? I was a fugitive from the law and I felt like I was in the Great Escape or something (a sensation added to by the fact that the train was full of my comrades).
For 15 minutes I seemed to have got away with it and the conductor had gone by without noticing me, but then he came back and I made an audacious play to hide behind a newspaper and he spotted me. “Did you speak to the guard?” he asked.
“Not yet, I just bumped into my friends here,” I waffled.
“I’ll go and get him.”
I was told that it would cost me around fifty pounds to stay in first class and forty-three if I went into standard.
“What if I get off at the next stop?”
“That is your only other option.”
“I’ll do that then.”
“Well you’ll have to move out of first class.”
I picked up my stuff and walked up the train, feeling like a criminal who had been slapped on the wrists. It wasnÂ’t worth paying extra money as I had nothing to do once I got to Edinburgh and I suppose waiting in Peterborough is no different than waiting in London, which is what I would have done if I had waited for my train. Plus I had had about twenty-five minutes in first class for free. And unlike David McCallum in the Great Escape I hadnÂ’t been shot for my transgression.
I think the forty-five minutes passed slower in Peterborough than it would have done in London, but soon enough I was on the train and six episodes of the Simpsons and a Suduko later I was back in the eerily familiar town of Ednburgh in which I have spent over a year of my life.
Although my nerves jangled slightly I felt happy and hopeful to be here. I looked at the familiar sky-line as my cab drove through the dusky streets and smiled to myself.
Most importantly for my third Edinburgh running I got to the flat first and so had my pick of the rooms. Ha ha ha. Take that Chris Addison! You may have TV fame and a Perrier nomination and a career, but I have a slightly bigger room than you. I think we both know who is the best.
Yes.
