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I forlornly looked for my trousers as we walked back to the car this afternoon. Maybe someone would have hung them on a railing or they’d fallen down into a basement flat. But no. They are gone. I never thought I’d be the kind of comic who would end up losing my trousers (though I did initially give up stand up after doing a gig at a students’ union where I ended up with my trousers down alongside a heckler that I had invited on to the stage - it’s a long story and I don’t remember all the details). I seem to be eating quite unhealthily at the moment so maybe my trousers had a lucky escape.
Tonight in Glasgow I was in direct competition with my erstwhile double act partner Stewart Lee. So I was delighted to win the battle of the exes as my gig sold out days ago and he still had dozens of tickets left to sell. Justice! Admittedly he was in a 3000 seater venue and I had only sold 200 tickets, but so low are my expectations that I was delighted that that many people had chosen to see me when they could still have bought tickets for Stew (or Simon Amstell who was also helpfully scheduled against me). It certainly put my career in some kind of perspective and gave me plenty to joke about during my show (though I also love to take the piss out of Glasgow -something I would never had dared do even ten years ago - saying that they would have difficulty emulating my feat of being kissed by someone from the 19th Century as their eldest resident was 67). My favourite tweet about the unofficial contest came from Gary Black who said, "My Stewart Lee tickets are so far back I'm actually closer to @Herring1967 at The Stand :L #poorlifechoices”.
I felt at peace with my place in the world of comedy though. The Stand Glasgow is perhaps the best of all the Stand venues (and that is saying something) and it was great to perform in a room where any audience member could have thrown a glass at me and had a good chance of hitting me. In fact at the end someone dropped a glass (accidentally I think) and a shard hit my foot, which added to the fun.
Ultimately I have realised that you are only competing with yourself. I am delighted about the success of my former double act partner (probably happier about it than he is himself) and whilst it would be handy to sell 2000+ tickets a night and I wouldn’t turn it down if it happened to me and it’s something to aim for, if you were an evil genie who could guarantee that I would sell at least 200 tickets at every gig I did from now to the end of my life I would bite your hand off (then you would reveal that my life was going to end now and that my last gig would be to 200 devils who would torture me for eternity). I had a terrific time tonight and I think the audience did too. Later at a club gig in the same venue I would talk to another comedian about professional jealousy, which he admitted to feeling at the moment - and a few years ago I was much more prone to that. But I am definitely happy with where I am at in my life and I think that’s showing in the shows. A lot of better comedians than me are playing to way less people than I do. None of this is fair - or ceratingly not all of it. But if I can’t be happy now when I am so comparatively lucky then I would not be happy if things were going better either. If you are going to spend your time working out where you are compared to other people then you are never going to be happy. If I had 2000 people I’d just be wondering why I couldn’t get 20,000 people like other comics and if I had 20,000 people I’d worry that I wasn’t a movie star. You can’t live like that. Though it took me a while to realise it. And in ten years time when 20 people are coming to see me every night I will look back on a night like tonight with wonder.
I also put together this week’s Lord of the Dance Settee Podcast in my hotel this afternoon - there was so much to include that I didn’t even get on to covering Newcastle and Edinburgh. There’s 45 minutes of stories about Buckingham Palace, a routine that’s been excised from the show, some heckling and other bits of ad-libbing from the shows. Plus some backstage whistling and trouser-juggling.
Get it here or on
iTunes 
