After getting a Wilfred Owen reference in this week's Metro article (albeit one that alluded to flatulence - but he's right, nothing sweet or decorous about that) I found myself formulating quite an obscure Shakespeare reference into next week's column. I was writing about children queuing outside of school with their satchels and their shining morning faces. As many of you will know this alluded to Jacques' speech from As You Like It where he talks about
all the world being a stage. I thought I'd take it a bit further to make the reference more explicit and added, "I kept my head down as I didn't want them mocking my pard beard."
I deleted the joke thinking it was a stretch too far and confusing for most people (including the sub-editor) but then I thought, screw it. That'll make someone laugh even if they will be laughing in a loud annoying voice, like those people in the theatre who like to show off that they have understood one of Shakespeare's (frankly shit) jokes.
Of course "bearded like a pard" means "bearded like a leopard" and it suddenly struck me for the first time that this was quite an odd simile. I've seen a few leopards in my time and what has struck me about them has been their spots, but I have never noticed one with a beard. I wanted to travel back to the Globe and shout, "What you fucking talking about Shakespeare? Leopards don't have beards, you arsehole." But the heckle was 400 years old and alas the no one thought to preserve Shakespeare's ear like they preserved that Gunpowder Plot guy's (sorry not Guy, guy) eye. So I couldn't. I tweeted it instead, but that's not as satisfying. Someone sent me a picture of a bearded leopard (though I think it might have been photoshopped) and others told me that in Shakespeare's time pard referred to both lions and leopards ( this from @greg_jenner - "Medieval heraldic iconography drew little or no distinction between lions+ leopards") to which I would have countered, "Don't you even know the difference between a leopard and a lion Jacques? Then I don't think we can trust your seven ages of man analysis. And what kind of name is Jacques anyway? And if all the world's a stage, where do the audience sit?" That last one isn't my joke, but heckler's don't have to be original.
I wish I'd been around in Shakespeare's time. I could have taken the fucker down with my heckles. Though he had a few put downs in the plays - I believe he compared the audience standing below the stage to bottom dwelling fish, staring up open-mouthed at the action. So he might have been equal to it. It was nice of him to write up scripts cos that makes it easier to plan the heckles, "To be or not to be"
"Not to be, put as all out our misery, you depressing sod."
"Is this a dagger I see before me?"
"Is that your career I see behind you?"
And so on.
Anyway, I am hoping to repopularise the phrase "bearded like a pard", but given that pards aren't generally bearded, perhaps it should refer to bum-fluff teenagers.
