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My writing wasn’t flowing too easily today (shit, only three weeks to the deadline - given I’ve managed 4000 words in 7 weeks of lockdown I am going to have to pick up the pace) so of course instead I tried to rewrite the lyrics to "Doe, a deer” from The Sound of Music. I have always been dissatisfied with these. It’s only 7 musical notes and so if you’re going to come up with an amusing rhyme for them then they should all be gold. I think “Me, a name I call myself” and (especially) “La, a note to follow So” are particularly fucking (sorry shagging) shit.
Maybe this doesn’t work as well written down, but if you’re going to be so lazy Rodgers and/or Hammerstein (whichever one of you cunts wrote the lyrics) then you might as well have gone for this (sing it, it’s more fun that way.
Do, a name I call myself Re, a name I call myself Me, a name I call myself Fa, a name I call myself So, a name I call myself La, a note to follow So Ti, a name I call myself That will bring us back to Do
And then just say, “Hey, I sometimes call myself all those names, but not La, I can’t tell a lie.”
Or even better, how about
Do a note to follow ti Re a note to follow do Me a note to follow re Fa a note to follow me So a note to follow Fa La short for Los Angeles Ti a note to follow do
Which will bring us back to do.
Seriously if I’d been Rodgers or Hammerstein and Hammerstein or Rodgers and come in one day and said, I’ve written the lyrics to a new song and I’d seen the shit he’d come up with, I’d have been. “Jesus mate, your only job is to write words, which is a million times easier than coming up with a tune that people will like. This reads like something you tossed off on the bus ride here. Could you not come up with anything at all for La? It doesn’t even have to rhyme. La, the French feminine indefinite article? La, how Scousers refer to their mates? La the start of la-de-dah? la something you sing when you don’t know the words…. These are just off the top of my head and my job is to write music. And who the fuck has jam and bread with tea? How about - tea, or you can have coffee instead? T - the junction up ahead? T - a letter close to zed? Tea - in China it’s widespread? Tea - what I’d call dinner if I wasn’t properly bred, Tea from my teasmade by the bed? Tea - I’m writing this song off the top of my fucking head in case that wasn’t fucking obvious.”
And then if I was Hammerstein of Rodgers I’d go, really mate are you having a go when you have just written a tune that is the musical scale and then duh duh duh duh-duh duh duhh…. You’ve got a fucking cheek. And that’s when it really kicked off.
Someone mentioned Homer saying D’oh, so just for fun and with a bit of help from Google, I wrote these lyrics. Which are shit, but I bet still took me longer to write than Rodgers or Hammerstein did on the original
D'oh a thing that Homer says Ray 1st name of Simpson's character Magini Me, what we remember of Troy McClure Fa -out, Marge in her bikini So -it’s come to this a Simpsons clip show La -la land parodied in ep 628 Tea a drink not served in Moes Which will bring us back to D’oh
I mean I really should be doing the work I am being paid for, not work that is only acceptable because no one will ever pay me for it.
