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An illuminating chat today with Sofie Hagen about her new book "Will I Ever Have Sex Again?" Sofie is non-binary which to a middle-aged klutz like me is a terrifying minefield. I've known her for a while and was worried that I would call her her, as I had a couple of times when chatting to my wife about the book. In the pre-podcast chat I told her that I was worried about it and she told me that her pronouns are she/her (she is non-binary and so does not want to be labelled a"woman"). I said that I didn't know what I was worrying about anyway as I was talking directly to her so I wouldn't be speaking in the third person.
Then as soon as the podcast started I mentioned I was talking to Sofie Hagen about "their" fascinating and heart-breaking book. It looked like I'd fucked up straight away, but she explained that she was she/her or they so that was fine. To be honest you would say "their" book about anyone anyway. It was a funny way to address this subject that does seem to make everyone confused, angry or worried depending on what kind of a person they (see) are.
Mostly though, I think any non-binary or trans people are fairly cool about this and understand it's easy to make mistakes (Sofie said that even she does it sometimes). Though there definitely are people out there who love to whip up a pretend storm of outrage if somebody gets it wrong
(as has happened to Sue Perkins this week, though again I think that most people would recognise that as a slip-up and only a very special kind of person would be trying to make something of this - Sue, of course, apologised and we should probably save our disdain for those that deliberately misgender in the hope of laughter or attention).
I get that this issue can be bamboozling to someone of my generation, but I am doing my best to learn about it and it's not that difficult. Just ask. And call people what they want to be called, like you do with everyone else (apart from people who try to start their own nickname - that's not allowed). Sofie's book is a good place to start. I am very saddened by the traumas and assaults and grooming that she has suffered and the book is not an easy read (the freedom to be who you are does not come without additional problems), but I felt the same about Helen Lederer and Lou Sanders' books, where men took advantage of them or much worse and it's treated as if that's just the way the world is (because it is).
Although Sofie's experience of the world is very different to my own, there is still more that connects than separates us and the book will make you think about what you want from sex and whether you are communicating that effectively with your partner or partners.
It's obviously going to resonate even more with people who are non-binary or celibate voluntarily or not and it's not got all the answers (Sofie is still in the eye of this hurricane and it might be interesting to get a follow up in ten years or so to see where she finds herself then), but it's going to make you think (or furiously angry if you think you have a right to decide how other adults live their lives - maybe don't read it if that's you. Maybe don't read my blog either.)
Podcast out in a few weeks
A thrilling frame of snooker this evening with some actually amazing pots and snooker escapes. But who won? Only one way to find out and
that's to watch.
Or listen. Or ask someone who as watched or listened. Three ways to find out.
