So I am vaguely thinking about doing an Edinburgh show about love or women or loving women or some other combination of those basic concepts. But I want it to be true stories from my life, rather than made up rubbish and maybe a bit sweeter or more serious than in recent years. Basically this came out of the gig I did with 6 Day Riot where I read some stories I'd written, including
this one
So I spent the afternoon trying to think of possible things to write about. It was kind of fun to be looking back over my life at my various romantic failures (there have of course have been many, many successes... which is why I am 40 and single).
But I thought of something I hadn't thought about for ages, which can possibly count as my first attempted seduction - coming as it did at the age of 10. I had had a few girlfriends before in a cute child-like way, like Claire Allen the girl who lived next door to me when I was 4 and Gail who I had hung out with at primary school, who I remember nothing about apart from her name and the fact that she was blonde and pretty (she was 8 years old, but so was I, so technically it wasn't paedophilia, though I suppose any child who loves another child can possibly be accused of the crime).
But now I was 10 and more mature and the other girls were more like friends than people I loved. Friends who might occasionally allow me to compare my genitalia with theirs, but more in the spirit of science than romance.
And I had fallen in love with Sally, whose dad ran a grocer's shop in town. She was in my class and I thought she was really pretty and I remember sitting opposite in history lessons and finding we were looking and smiling at each other. I decided I was in love and from her glances and giggles I guessed she probably felt the same. But how would we progress to the next level, to become boyfriend and girlfriend?
Now as a 40 year old man, the obvious course of action would be to go across and talk to her (by which I mean that is what I would advise the 10 year old me to do, I wouldn't go and chat up a 10 year old however much she was smiling at me), but I was too shy to do that.
Yes, too shy to go and say hello and engage in conversation, but not too shy to write her a poem, declaring my love, signing it and posting it through the door of her dad's shop.
Isn't a child's reticence the most amazing thing? The idea of doing that as an opening gambit now seems insane and potentially much more embarrassing than just telling someone how you feel. Because now they have hard evidence, something they can show to everyone, making you the laughing stock of the playground. But somehow that was less frightening to the 10 year old Richard Herring. And maybe some of that has carried through to the grown up me. I am better at expressing myself on the page than I am in real life, but still I would be unlikely to use poetry as my point of entry.
I have written poems since, but only once things have progressed a certain distance, or at least only after I have discussed my feelings with the object of my affection.
But back in 1977 (while punks were writing songs about smashing the state) I was writing a poem to Sally, which began (no messing around here) - "I love you more than I can say,
I love you this and every day."
Fortunately that is the only bit I can remember, but I know it went on for at least two sides of hand-written A4, explaining all the others way in which I loved Sally - each line starting with "I love you". I mean, honestly. Too scared to say hello, but happy to open myself up like this on the page. With no definitive evidence that my feelings were reciprocated.
Of course, it's all rather cute and sweet and only vaguely embarrassing in hindsight and surely nearly anyone would be flattered to have a poem written about them (but then posted through their door - could get a bit stalkerish).
Indeed Sally did like the poem and after an anxious wait (I think I may have posted the poem on a Friday and had to wait til school on Monday to find out what she thought), she agreed to be my girlfriend.
Of course I hadn't really planned ahead for this eventuality and so hadn't considered what it meant to have a girlfriend. I didn't know what we were meant to do now. So although my burgeoning feelings had now been expressed and reciprocated, there wasn't really anywhere to go from here. For the next couple of days we walked around school together at break times, holding hands and smiling and not really having anything to say to each other. And then by the Thursday, Sally realised this wasn't going anywhere and that I wasn't anywhere near as interesting in person as I was on paper and she called a cruel end to our long partnership. It took me a long time to get over. I don't know how many years it was before I had a girlfriend again. Though that might have been more to do with them not really liking me as much as my heartbreak over this rejection.
Sally was right though. She was way too good for me.
Ah well, it made me laugh to think about this. And it probably reveals more about me than I realise. Maybe by going back over all my old relationships I will work out why it is that I am 40 and single!
