I think it is important not to patronise children. Thus if you are competing against them you must try your utmost, rather than deliberately being a bit lame so that they will be victorious. They have to learn. They are puny and weak and not as good as adults at nearly everything.
Which is why when I was around at my friend's house for lunch and playing tiddly-winks against his 9 year old daughter Natasha, I tiddled and winked for all I was worth and wiped the floor with the child on two of the three games we played. Admittedly she beat me on one occasion, but then I haven't played tiddly winks for about 35 years and it is a game that children should excel at, so I am still proud of my 66% success rate. In your face Natasha! In your tiny 9 year old face. I am best at tiddly winks than you, two thirds of the time.
There was a tiddly winks world record holder round the table coincidentally. My friend Tony once (and possibly still does - it's no longer in the book) held the Guinness World Record for making a tiddly wink go higher than anyone else ever has. He is probably the only person to have ever competed for the record and also making a tiddly-wink go high is not part of the game or a skill that a tiddly-wink professional would ever need. But let's not take away from his achievement. He made a tiddly wink go higher than anyone else has ever done (in recorded play) whilst appearing on Blue Peter, at the age of (I'm guessing) about 22 years. He must be proud of himself. And he should be. Not ashamed like some people would think. Proud.
He also played tiddly-winks for Oxford University and got at least a partial Blue for this. Again, perhaps you might say that there wasn't much competition for such a role, but I would tell you to stop having a go at my mate Tony. He is my hero and a much better person than you and there's no way he should have to put up with being mocked for being good at tiddly-winks. Let me remind you that I am good at tiddly-winks too. I beat a 9 year old girl at it. Twice. Out of Three.
Tony though, seemed afeared of joining in with the tiddly-winks tournament. Almost like he knew that I was on fire and would defeat him, much more embarrassing for him, a half-Blue and world record holder who had appeared on Blue Peter when he was a grown man tiddling his winks. Perhaps though he had just made up all these stories to try and impress us at University and actually didn't know one end of a wink from another (even though both ends are of course the same). All his lies were about to be exposed and come crashing down around his ears, so he pretended not to want to play. He lost by default. Thus meaning I had defeated another world champion. First
the poker champion falls before me and now the tiddly winks world record holder cowers in my shadow. In how many more disciplines shall I conquer the champine? I rock. That's all I am saying.
Later, playing a game where you had to come up with a word beginning with a certain letter (in this case I) in a list of categories, I actually made Natasha cry when I accused her (correctly) of copying iguana off me. Maybe if you make a 9 year old cry then you are being too competitive. But they have to learn. The world is a harsh and competitive place. All too soon she will be better than me at everything, so I have to make the most of these last few months of 66/6% supremecy.
In the evening we headed to the Hilton hotel in Gatwick airport, as our flight was leaving early on Christmas Eve. I thought the Hilton hotel might be classy, but it looks like it is a living time capsule from the 1970s and was filled with grey-faced and miserable looking people (who were surely all about to go on holiday - you'd think they'd be happier, though maybe their flights have all been delayed). Before a flight I like to have a few hours of indulging in all the best of pleasures this world has to offer, on the off-chance that the plane goes down. I have to say that the Hilton Classic beefburger that I had in the restaurant (after a 30 minute wait for a table) was something of a disappointment. If this had been death-row and this was my final meal I would have asked for my sentence to be commuted in sympathy. The Hilton hotel also charges £5.20 for a litre bottle of still mineral water. I felt like my grandad Don being asked to pay 50p for a round of teas in a service station in the mid 70s (and the decor was about right too). It's so nice when the tourist industry rips off its customers.
But I am on holiday now and no expense shall be spared, unless it's really taking the piss. It can only get better than the Hilton restaurant at 9pm on Christmas Eve Eve.
