I think God made the right choice. If I had invented something as cool as the Universe I wouldn't just destroy it. Even if it wasn't quite perfect. If God had killed us all because He was the angry with the way things had turned out then He'd be just like one of those mental men who turns a shot gun on his whole family. And I hope God is better than one of those men. It would simply be nuts to destroy everything in a fit of pique, especially when you have the power to just magic it so that everything is OK.
It would have had serious implications on the nature of free will if God had implanted the date of the destruction of the earth in the Bible anyway. That would mean that regardless of how we'd behaved the world was still definitely doomed. The only way God could be sure that we'd let Him down is if he had deliberately created us to let Him down and what kind of a superbeing would punish some imperfect creatures that He had created for behaving in a way that He had programmed them to do so?
My favourite thing about the Rapture was that Harold Camping, the 89 year old man who had predicted it, seeme to think that God would be respecting time zones.
It was going to start at 6pm whereever you were, which was great news for us here in the UK as it would give us plenty of time to see how things panned out elsewhere and then repent by the evening and get saved. Though of course God could just make it appear like New Zealand hadn't been raptured at all and then it would be a surprise. Or surely He could just rapture the whole world at the same time. It's almost as if Harold Camping had been so proud of his to the second predicion of 6pm on the 21st May 2011, that he hadn't thought about time zones at all. Then someone had said "But six o clock where?" and he'd had to think on his feet and say, 6 o clock everywhere or his sums wouldn't work. You'd think it would be six o clock in Israel, as the people who wrote the Bible wouldn't have been aware that most of the world existed, let alone that the time would be different there. But no, it was a sweeping six of clock across the world, God working closely to time and being too OCD to do it unless it was happening exactly on the hour.
This was Harold Camping's second guess at the end of the world. Last time he said that he had got his maths wrong, but was confident that this time it was bang on. But he got it wrong again. I am going to give him one more chance to get it right and if he fucks it up again I am going to give up on him entirely.
He must be feeling a bit embarrassed now, but he's got out of this once and I am sure he will do so again, without a second of shamefacedness. He could just say that thanks to our prayers God has changed his mind - though if you think about it that would make God's previous confidence in putting the exact date and time in the Bible seem a bit misplaced. Surely He would know that we'd pray enough. Or that there was a chance that we might. He moves in mysterious ways.
According to my Bible after the flood God sent to wipe out most of life on earth, He had felt sorry for what He'd done and promised to never try and wipe us out again. But He is a changeable and unpredictable fellow, almost working in a way that makes it look like everything He does is just random chance, which makes a nonsense of Him trying to predict anything. Fuck if even Jesus got the date of the end of the world wrong, then I don't hold out much hope for Harold Camping.
If I'd been him I would have felt embarrassed and put my clothes in a little pile, left a note saying only I was good enough to be saved and then hidden for the rest of my life, living off the life savings that my followers had sent me, because they had believed my pronouncements and thought there was no point in having worldly things. You'd probably want to hide from them, because even if they believed your hocum explanations as to why the promised apocalypse had not transpired, it would surely be awkward having to look into their guileless and trusting faces as they wondered how they were going to afford to eat.
Everyone knows that the Rapture isn't going to happen til the end of May, but you might be able to prevent it by donating your life savings to
my SCOPE programme fund. If you fail to prevent the end of the world you won't need your money and if you succeed then you will at least be sent a free limited edition programme which you can turn into a rudimentary home.
But there was a Jesus based happy ending for me tonight, as I travelled to Folkestone to perform what should be the last ever live performance of Christ on a Bike (never say never, but unless I end up doing some future Edinburgh where I revive all my solo shows or some other very special opportunity presents itself I can't see myself doing this show again). It's always an odd feeling to be doing something so familiar and that has been such a massive part of my life for the last time. Perhaps some jokes and routines might resurface elsewhere (it might be nice to do the genealogy bit at one of Robin Ince's gigs some time), but other bits will not work out of context and will never be uttered by me again. It's a relief in many ways to be at the end of it, but also slightly sad. I have done this show 94 times since Christmas week and now it is gone for good. With so much to achieve in the next nine days alone it's not a bad thing to be able to tick something off and I was so tired today that it was hard to stay awake before the show. I am very proud of the show and delighted that I took the chance of revisiting an old favourite. Now comes the terrifying, yet exciting prospect of creating something entirely new. Thanks very much to all of those of you who saw the show - I would roughly estimate that that would be around about 40,000 people (including Edinburgh and previews). Thanks also to Reliable Pete, whose solid work has meant that I have got through all these months without getting ill and feeling relatively relaxed. It'll be interesting to see if I have made any money from this massive enterprise. You'd be surprised at what a tiny percentage of the money taken on the door will filter it's way down to me, but it should still be a good wage for three months (admittedly quite intensive) work. Hopefully. I might end up with nothing, but the pleasure of having entertained you. I wish more of you fuckers had come to see me in London!
On the plus side the SCOPE total for Christ on a Bike is over £40,000 and that money will make a real difference to the lives of some brilliant people. So thanks for chucking your change in my bucket, or being one of the living saints who provided the money up front and got their name in the last programme.
I shook hands with Pete at my front door and gave him a nice bottle of single malt whisky and he disappeared into the night. I wondered what other Holiday Inns he will be mistaking in the future for other clients. My girlfriend and I had a bottle of sparkling rose to celebrate and I was out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow. I had got through it, unraptured, unstabbed in the eye with a knitting needle - another show over, seen by more people that last year, seeing some improvement in my writing and performing and my confidence. Small steps forward. Small improvements made.
No time to look backwards, too much to get done.
Though God showed He would not be mocked and also that He has a sense of humour and isn't a prick, when the pyro explosion tonight (using a different explosive than usual) created so much smoke that it set off the smoke alarms in the foyer of the theatre and I had to do my poignant ending over the sound of a wailing alarm. That's how God gets back at you, you idiots. Not in destroying, but in little pranks. He is the celestial Dom Joly.
