I do an awful lot of work for charity, but I don't like to talk about it, which as always is a huge pain in the arse for the charities who rely on me to promote the gigs I am doing so they can sell some tickets. Not just me and not the gigs I am not in, that would be crazy.
Last week I did a book signing for Alzheimer's Research and then a free gig for Wimborne Literary Festival. Yesterday I went to Guildford for a Tiger based charity, tonight I was doing a gig for Amnesty and tomorrow I am hosting an event for a Missing Persons charity. To be honest this is just bad planning (especially in a week where I have to write and learn a brand new half hour of comedy). I just find it difficult to say no to charity requests. My favourite thing to do at charity events is to pretend I don't know what the cause is (and it's often not that far away from being a joke - I once ended up doing a charity gig for something involving homeopathic medicine because I hadn't properly read the email). Last night I asked the audience if the charity was pro or anti- tiger. I said I was presuming that it was anti as tigers are very dangerous and that hopefully with their money we could finally wipe all the tigers out. Tonight I asked the Hackney Amnesty yoghurt knitters if this gig was pro or anti Burma as it just had the word Burma up on a banner at the back and obviously I would have to tailor my material accordingly. They weren't sure if I was being serious or not. I am not sure I ever really got them back on side after that.
I made a little bit of progress on the Meaning of Life script, though there's still a long way to go. I also had a crack at reading Stephen Hawking's "Brief History of Time" (which even at only 241 pages was still nowhere near brief enough for me - copyright S Lee). Having read up a fair bit on science's journey to the Big Bang Theory and the many errors and fudges along the way (from Ptolemy having to come up with a bizarre spirally orbit to explain that Mars still went round the earth, to the general belief that the Universe was fixed and steady and had been here for infinity - was wasn't the night sky totally bright then you scientific idiots, if light had had an infinite amount of time to get here?). I wondered which accepted piece of science would become bunkum in the future. I hope they discover that stuff can go faster than the speed of light. It will destroy most scientific theories and equations if it can. But I just reckon there will be something faster. It just seems unlikely that all light goes at exactly the same speed (and it makes Light School Sports Days very boring - "And the result of the 100 metres, that's another dead heat between all light"). And surely something can go faster. What if one bit of light does a really long run up and then deliberately collides with another bit of light? Surely that would speed it up a bit. Or four bits of light could all push another bit of light and make it go at four times the speed of light. Or a bit of light could put on an outboard motor and get ahead of the crowd. Or you could give a bit of light a performance enhancing drug and give it an edge.
It just seems unlikely that if something can go at 299 792 458 metres per second that it's not possible for something to go at 299 792, 459 metres per second. Common sense says it has to and common sense has got us a long way in science. It's common sense that the earth is at the centre of the universe because you can see everything moving around us. It's common sense that the earth remains still because otherwise we'd all fall off. Sciencists could do with using a bit more common sense. Plus how do aliens get here if they can't travel faster than the speed of light? Wormholes? Don't be a dick. Worms couldn't exist in the vaccuum of space, let alone dig a hole in nothing. COMMON sense.
And I got a bit of an unexpected delivery this morning. A parcel arrived containing six willy brushes. It had come from the willy brush manufacturers Wills who had got wind of my material about their product on one of my podcasts. I already have a willy brush of course and my penis is neither big enough or smelly enough to require half a dozen brushes, even if I had six people willing to help me clean it (now there's a thought) so I am going to give them away. It's the competition that all smelly-cocked men (and more especially their partners) have been waiting for. Though a surprising percentage of smelly cocked men don't have partners for some reason. If you win this random draw you could get a girl or boyfriend. Almost guaranteed.
Also to put people off the scent so to speak I will give each winner a copy of the Talking Cock DVD and the Talking Cock book. All you need to do is to RT this Twitter status by the end of the 13th November and I will pick the winners at random. Good cocking luck.
