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Tuesday 16th February 2021

6653/19573
I’m in deep with Ian Apple - I’ve got all the products (laptops for the last 15 years, iPhones too, watch, pod, EarPods, extra chargers), signed up for Apple One with music and the whole shebang - super loyal customer. But Ian Apple doesn’t give a fuck about loyalty and treats his customers as an inconvenience. I think I like being treated like dirt. It explains most of my relationships over my adult life (my wife is nice to me, but then she produced two other human beings who treat me with the disdain that I deserve and covet).
The last two laptops I’ve had from them have developed serious faults in the first six months - the last one has a faulty keyboard (which I think they knew when it was sold to me - they replaced it, but I was left without a computer for over a month and the new keyboard was still pretty unreliable) and I finally got annoyed with it and bought a new laptop from them (just weeks before they rolled out a superior version, but that’s just bad luck).
This second laptop always had a bit of an issue turning on and waking up, but usually eventually came on. But now it doesn’t come on any more and just makes a quiet fluttering sound. I got in touch with Apple via chat - obviously they have to repair or replace it and was led on a right merry dance. 
They attempted to fix the problem, but could not do so, so advised me I’d have to bring the computer in. I explained that I couldn’t as I am self-isolating ahead of more hospital stuff, but also the country is in lockdown, but the “genius” (their word not mine) looking after me bouldered onwards. I gave them my Hertfordshire postcode and they offered me an appointment in Hereford. Which sounds like it might be nearby but is 150 miles away (a 300 mile round trip). I mean I think my eyesight might need testing after all the screen time during lockdown, but it’s not 300 miles bad.
I tried to tell them that that was too far away, even if I was allowed to travel, but they didn’t really bother engaging and when I went on about it they said that that was the closest place that came up when they put my postcode in. You had to admire their balls for trying to get away with that lie. I mean they’d obviously mistaken two counties that sounded similar and not used the postcode at all. I said that even London would be closer, so they offered me a phone number of a place in London (not even the Apple Store but somewhere in Poland Street) to fix up an appointment. I repeated the fact that the country was in lockdown and it would be illegal for me to go there. I said that they would have to send a courier, but they said that that wasn’t possible. Which left us at a bit of an impasse. 
It seemed a bit disrespectful to be honest - after all the laptop they had sold me was faulty and also I do most of my work on it, so you’d expect a speedy resolution. I know Covid will have made things more difficult, but they were equally slow to fix my other laptop. It makes you think that a lot of Apple products must be going wrong.
I asked to speak to a manager and was transferred after a while. Suddenly it was no problem sending a courier, which was odd because the first person said that that was impossible. So that got sorted out. But when the courier emailed me they told me that they’d be coming on March 9th. So that’s three weeks more of not having my new laptop, even if they repair it in a day (which seems unlikely). No question that there will be compensation, no offer of a replacement to keep me going, no thanks for the 15 years of loyalty.
Luckily for me my slightly shonky former laptop still works (and the keyboard is currently behaving) so I am not high and dry. But this feels like terrible customer service and also I wasted over an hour of my time with someone who didn’t lion to anything I said and who lied to me about couriers.
Like I say, I’m in deep with these cunts and I’ve always liked the fact that their stuff works together and was (in the early years at least) reliable enough to justify the expense. But if you’re not as deep into the cult as me, I’d strongly advise you to be wary of getting on board. 
I suppose I’ll just wait though. Because I am Ian Apple’s bitch. 
If only he loved me the way I love him. If I stay with him, I can change him right?


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