Metro 183

Last week Jeremy Corbyn got into hot water by refusing to sing along to “God Save The Queen”, which given he’s an atheist and a Republican doesn’t seem that big a surprise. He’s the Leader of the Opposition (though I am sure even he is still pinching himself and assuming this is some kind ofdream or a crazy prank dreamt up by Dom Joly) , how can he not sing our national song?

It’s because we don’t live in North Korea so we can choose to sing or not sing songs about fictional characters looking out for the most heavily protected old woman on the planet. As much as I think it was a bit sixth form of Corbyn not to just slightly move his mouth (reminding me of my own principled refusal to join my family at the Christmas church service from the ages of 22 to about 44- and making my nephews and nieces cry), if the press want to go for Corbyn then there are about a thousand other more interesting and relevant things to choose from. It smacks of desperation, almost as if this supposed no-hoper is actually a threat to them in some way.

Had I been Corbyn I would have sung “God Shave the Queen” and no one would have know any better, apart from lip-readers. And possibly God. If enough people do that, does God have to do it? Is that the system?

If you think about it, it’s a bit arrogant to be telling God what He has to do at all. He’s God. He makes the decisions here. If I was Him, I would find it very annoying constantly being interrupted by songs and prayers telling me all the stuff I should be doing when I was pretty busy keeping the Universe going round in some massive game of spinning plates. God seems to enjoy the repetition, but if people kept singing “God Save the Queen” at me and I was God, I’d be like, “Yeah, I heard you the first time. I’ve been doing it. She’s still alive isn’t she? Leave me alone.

You might argue that for God to save the Queen, the Queen first needs to be put into some kind of peril. So all those people are basically asking for the Queen to be endangered, in the hope that the song will encourage God to rescue her again. It’s like watching a trapeze act. We want God to catch the Queen, but there’s a part of us hoping that she’ll fall. We are testing God and God does not like that. He will save the Queen under His own terms, if that’s what he wants.

More important no one, apart from swivel-eyed loons, actually cares about this, anyway. This is the UK. Not giving a spit about stuff like this is pretty much what unites us. Let’s not turn into America, going nuts if our flag touches the ground. Sing the song if you like, or just stand and think about the sacrifices our servicemen and women have made, if you prefer. Or think about what you’re having for tea. Up to you.

God Save The Queen is the worst national anthem in the world. Terrible tune, awful lyrics with only the saving grace of that rising bit in the middle that we can all sing along to slightly sarcastically. Let’s have a national song that unites the nation and is about being British. I think the Laughing Policeman might work. Everyone likes it and it’d be terrific fun to sing at football matches and royal funerals.

Should we keep Trident or scrap it? Tough call. We need to the threat of nuclear weapons for our security, but they’re so expensive. So why don’t the government just say they have bought more deadly missiles, but then not buy them? It’ s not like we ever show our country’s enemies around our nuclear facilities. All the security, none of the cost.  Actually, who says they aren’t doing that already?