Metro 195

I’ve been spending time at the Westfield shopping centre in Shepherd’s Bush, still waiting to witness/experience some hard-core sex involving pregnant women by the lifts (which will seem an odd thing to say if you didn’t read my recent column).  No luck there, but who cares? A Nespresso shop has opened!

I’m obsessed with the creepy new ads for this coffee delivery system for lazy idiots. Bumbling, sexually repugnant, idiot Jack Black can’t even say the Nespresso tagline correctly and consequently is a loser with women. But with help from the sexy, tortoise-mouthed George Clooney, Jack drinks from a Lilliputian cup and a woman young enough to be his daughter (if only he’d been able to have sex before he tried Nespresso) wants him. Because women can’t resist men who drink coffee that has been pre-packaged in pods and which can only be made with compatible machines.

George having passed on the secret of his sexcess to the too-symmetrical-faced funny man, glances over, his testudine  lips crinkle lasciviously and we are sick in our mouths. And buy some Nespresso, to help take away the taste of the mouth-sick.

Probably the next ad shows Clooney and Black double-teaming a bamboozled young model, bedazzled by the aroma of once fresh coffee and the older men’s ability to put two words in the right order. They are using their unfortunate victim’s back as a coffee table, sipping espresso, high-fiving each other, as their old man balls drag on the ground and they try and fail to achieve a satisfying orgasm.

It’s not quite as sophisticated, but it is expected to sell a lot of Nespresso machines to deluded middle-aged men who think that they might be in with a chance of appearing sophisticated to beautiful idiots.

So how happy I am that there is now a Nespresso shop within easy hobbling distance of my house? Plus if you go in there and pretend that you’re interested in buying some coffee, but can’t decide which type, then they’ll take you over to their little espresso bar and make you some for free. Don’t be a chump and go to Costa or Starbucks where they’ll charge you £3 for the privilege. Just go into the Nespresso shop, look like you’re the kind of person who drinks Nespresso (by eyeing up some people who are too young and sexy to be interested in you and making a face like a turtle), dither over which flavour capsules you want and BANG: a free drink that tastes slightly better than your own regurgitated vomit.

If the person serving you is inappropriately young and sexy, then as soon as you’ve drunk the first Nespresso they will be overwhelmingly attracted to you and let you stay at the bar as long as you want, pretending to write a novel on your Macbook.  

If you get hungry, they usually have a tray of free sample chocolates in Hotel Chocolat. It’s a bit of a walk and I don’t know if Nespresso will let you take your coffee with you. But again. Worth a try. If you can’t carry the Nespresso cup out of the shop then store some Nespresso in your cheeks and then spit it in the face of the lady in Hotel Chocolat and she will know you’ve been drinking Nespresso and will fall in love with you and anything goes.

If that doesn’t work then just head to the lifts and wait in the hope that a pregnant woman will give you a blow-job for free.  Shepherd’s Bush literally has everything a deluded middle-aged man could want.

I idly support York City FC, because I was born in nearby Pocklington (no real sports fan would be so dumb as to support a side based on personal geography) . A ninth consecutive loss on Saturday put York 92nd  (and bottom) in the football league, with Yeovil at 91st. These two teams are doing their best to make the league football alphabetical. But nobody else seems to be playing ball.