You may not be aware of this, but I am one of this
country’s foremost experts on the human penis (in academic terms, rather than
practical alas, despite many hours of solo practice on this instrument). My
book Talking Cock (still available on kindle) is seminal in every sense.
Telling you everything you could ever want to know about the bald-headed mouse and several things you
definitely did not want to know.
But even though I thought I knew everything there was
to know about the pink lighthouse that wants to draw you on to its rocks, I can
still be surprised. As I was last month to see news of the world’s first
successful penis transplant. Thomas
Manning (and what a beautifully apt name that is: the procedure should become
known as “Manning - if only he’d been called John-Thomas) tragically lost his
own flute of love to cancer. But this
nut cannon nightmare has turned to a ding-a-ling dream come true for Manning
as he had a replacement donor dong transplanted on to him by a surgeon called
(and I am not joking) Doctor Dicken Ko (presumably he advertises under the
slogan “Dicken Ko: dick on and go”).
It’s an absolute triumph for medicine and incredibly
exciting news for other cancer sufferers and veterans injured in battle or
self-abusers who have worn theirs down to a nubbin. But that has to be a
bizarre feeling. To wake up with another man’s Kojak’s Moneybox between your
legs. Most men just sit on their hand until it goes numb to feel like someone
else is doing it, so to get yoghurt gun attached to another person is a whole
new ball game. Technically it turns every regular sexual encounter into a
threesome. And brings new meaning to the phrase “I wouldn’t touch them with
yours.”
If you have a tummy banana transplant do they try and
pair you up with one that was similar to your own or are you allowed to
upgrade? And if you get a choice do they bring them in on a tray for you to
peruse and try on before you commit or is it Hobson’s Bob Johnson Choice? If a
penis is a tissue match but you don’t think it’s up to much are you allowed to
reject it? And how do you feel if your new Frankenweiner rejects you?
Of course, at the moment the donor chimney cleaners
come from men who are deceased. One must wonder if the flesh torpedo retains
any memory of its previous life. After all it is often said that men have two
brains in their body, but only enough blood to operate one at a time. And if we
can think with our dicks, can our dicks, in turn, think without us? It’s an
ethical and philosophical quagmire.
More worryingly, now this operation is a possibility
what is to stop rich men with gut sticks that they find disappointing or ugly,
hunting down men like me, with perfect and beautiful members and harvesting our
organs. It would be like Face:Off, but with pajama pythons. I’d love to see
Nick Cage wrestling John Travolta to get his National Treasure back. Sorry I
might need a moment…..
There will be a black market in luncheon meat
truncheons.
Celebrities will want a different wang attached for
different occasions, like a (more) pornographic version of Wurzel Gummidge’s
head (that one isn’t a euphemism, but maybe it should be).
So I hope Dr Dicken Ko won’t use his new skills for evil.
With great wang power comes great wang responsibility.
RHLSTP, my award winning interview podcast is back for a new
series, with recordings starting next Monday night at the Leicester Square
Theatre in London (it will be available as a free download on iTunes and
YouTube soon after). Confirmed guests this series include Vic Reeves, Tim
Minchin and Lauren Laverne. Come along if you can. Or listen to/watch the 100+
existing episodes online without paying a penny. It’s not like the interview shows on the
telly!
