Metro 223

You might have missed it, but last Wednesday was Heterosexual Pride Day. Genuinely. When I saw it mentioned on Twitter I assumed it was someone spoofing the knob-headedness of men who yearn for an International Men’s Day (without realising there already is one).

At last a chance for heterosexuals who feel they have suffered from oppression due to their lifestyle choices to come out and let the world know that they are almighty twartfaces. “Mum, dad, I have something to tell you. I am a prick.”

“In our hearts, son, I think we always knew.”

The real question is when will there be a Men’s Heterosexual Pride Day? It’s an absolute outrage that women get to share in our pride of being straight. This should be a day for men to celebrate together. Alone. In a big sauna. No women allowed. 

Also why do non-breeder heterosexuals get to share my special day? I have proved I am a full-on heterosexual by not only having at least one sex with a woman, but also producing a human child (practically on my own, but I guess the feminazis will try to make out they have as much - or even more- to do with it!). Where’s my Successful Heterosexual Day?

And when is Heterosexual But Once Snogged Someone Of The Same Sex at College Day? I am asking for a friend who once did that…. and I know because I was the one who snogged him.

Could anyone except heterosexuals come up with such a clunky name as Heterosexual Pride Day? It’s such a mouthful that it makes you wonder if they actually enjoy having their mouth full. And what they’d like their mouths full of. There certainly is a “protesting too much” vibe to “We’re Not Gay” Day. It hangs in the air like a yoghurt-splattering fart.  Let’s just call it what it is, “In-Denial Day”

It’s all very well people being proud of who they are. But I don’t understand that impulse at all. Sure, you’re gay or straight or black or white or have genitals that stick out or form a pouch. But you’re still a human being. So you’ve got nothing to be proud of. When’s the day for people who should be ashamed about everything? I’d go for June 23rd for that one, personally.

Obviously I have nothing to be proud of. I am flawed and weak and am embarrassed by my every statement and action and fail to sleep at night squirming at my own ineptitude. Yet everyone else swans around as if they’re not just bags of meat whose sole function is to produce carbon dioxide for the plants. I am the only one who has seen the truth. Which makes me quite proud.  I can’t even do shame properly. Which makes me even more ashamed. It’s an endless loop.

The fault lies with whoever first came up with a day to express their pride. Because humans are dicks, so others saw that pride, envied it and decided (incorrectly) that they had a right to be proud of whoever they were. And it just escalated from there.

You can never achieve equality through pride. We become equal when we all accept our shame. Shame of our sexual desires, our nationality, our history, our ridiculous beliefs, our leaders and our citizens. 

We need to drag the proud down to our level so they too hate everything about themselves. Then the world will be as one.

Take a look at yourself. You know you have nothing to be proud of, so stop pretending. You’re fooling no one.

(It seems, in the last fortnight, the UK has taken the first step to equality. The rest will fall like dominoes)

Last week, I was quite pleased to come up with a neat way to remember the potential Tory leadership candidates: “Gove May Leadsom Crabb to your Johnson or Hunt”. But the news keeps conspiring against satirists by a) changing by the time we’ve made a joke and b) being more ridiculous than anything we can come up with. And the Johnson fell off. A reminder to always practice safe elections.