Journalism

Most Desirable Women

1 Dawn French - Clever, amiable, funny and incredibly sexy. Whatever you think of us these are the things men really want. Big and beautiful, she is literally having her cake and eating it. She’s all woman - nothing on Dawn is made of plastic. If fashion mags were to herald her as the ultimate woman rather than some stupid, skinny, seventeen year old the country would be a much better place. Sorry I was such an arse the one time I met you Dawn. It is part of my continuing mission to embarrass myself in front of people I want to impress. Lucky Lenny!

2 “The girl on the bus” - True desirability comes from unobtainability! There is always the chance, however small, that I might become involved with Cindy Crawford of Pamela Anderson, but I’m never going to get anywhere with any of the women I sit opposite on public transport whose beauty makes my jaw hit the floor. When I get off at my stop and see them disappear out of my life forever I wish I’d had the courage to say “Excuse me, your eyes are so beguiling they could make an opposing army lay down their weapons and dance. Marry me.” But instead I just stare and then quickly look at the floor when she notices.

3 Lady Di. I didn’t really see what all the fuss was about until I saw her in the flesh. A couple of years ago I went to go to the Wimbledon Ladies Singles final and was lucky enough to get seats very close to the Royal Box, or to give her her official title, the Princess of Wales! During one of the breaks I was gazing over at her and she suddenly turned round and looked me right in the eyes. I wasn’t sure of the exact royal protocol on such an occasion so I decided it would be best if I pulled a stupid face. And she laughed and gave me one of those sexy Lady Di looks. BAM! I understand she’s available now, so if you’re reading this Lady Di why not give me a ring and maybe we can go out for a pizza. Pizza Express mind, none of your tat.