The history books tell us that George Washington as said “I cannot tell a lie!” But the history books also tell us that George Washington never kept a girlfriend for more than five minutes. Because George’s hatred of mendacity mean that some of his less famous quotations include “No, I preferred your hair the old way”, “Yes, her breasts are much nicer than yours” and “Of course I’m just using you for sex”.
The agony aunts and uncles of Britain make their living telling us that “all successful relationships are based on honesty”. This is Doublespeak nonsense that even Big Brother would be embarrassed about trying to get away with. All successful relationships are based on lies, lies, lies.
On our first date with a woman we project a totally false image of sensitivity and selflessness. As time passes we allow most of our genuine, chauvenist, flatulent selves out into the open, but there are still some things that we must never, ever tell women about.
Why lie? What are we trying to hide?
Yeah, good questions. The world might be a better place if we could all be honest and women accepted us for exactly what we are.
This will never happen. Women have a low opinion of men as it is, but if they know how bad we really are then every female on planet Earth would revert to lesbianism. Now this might sound like quite a good thing, but the terrible truth is that we would not be allowed to watch.
Basically, judged by the female moral yardstick all the things that men are best at (promiscuity, getting drunk, gambling away all our money, being aggressive, sick and perverted, bottling up our true feelings, behaving like children, enjoying the camaraderie of other drunken, violent, emotionally stunted men.) are all very, very bad.
So just tell her “I’m not like the other men” and hope she never finds out.
“We Fancy Other Women” Shocker.
In his book “The Selfish Gene” Richard Dawkins reveals that it is man’s biological imperative to sleep with as many women as possible in order to give his genes the best chance to survive into future generations. So, however strong our love is, we will always at least fantasise about sleeping with other women. You’d think, wouldn’t you, that if you went to your girlfriend with Dawkins’ book as evidence she would suddenly understand (especially given how accepting we are forced to be about the effects of her hormones). But before you open your big mouth, remember- Richard Dawkins hasn’t had sex since 1974.
Questions Where You Cannot Tell The Truth
She says - WhatÂ’s you favourite film?
You think - “Animal Farm” (not the satirical cartoon based on Orwell’s novel, but the one with the nun in a farmyard)
You say - “Sleepless in Seattle”
She says - If you got the chance would you leave me for Julia Roberts?
You think - If I got the chance IÂ’d leave you for Alf Roberts.
You say - DonÂ’t be stupid. SheÂ’s ugly compared to you.
She says - What do you talk about with your mates in the pub?
You think - How, as time passes by, we realise that the crass, chauvenistic generalisations that our fathers used to make about women in the Seventies were pretty much on the button.
You say - Oh, sport.
“Do you love me?”
If she asks you this question (and let’s face it, she will) and unless you are absolutely one hundred per cent certain you are, (and let’s face it, you aren’t) you have no option but to use truth economically. “I think so”, “no” or “don’t be stupid”, are honest answers which will result at best with you spending several nights on the sofa and at worst with your dismembered penis being found in a field. Say, “Speak not to me of love. Love is a metaphysical nicety born out of the basest human needs, a chemical response by which our brain informs us of who we should procreate with,” and you might as well cut the sleeves off all your suits and cook the rabbit yourself.
Just say YES!
Women must not find out that to men love is something like God, life after death or the female orgasm. WeÂ’d like to believe it existed, and some of us manage to suspend our disbelief and convince ourselves it does, but deep down men are just too cynical to believe something that doesnÂ’t have a manual that comes with it, logically explaining exactly how it works.
Honesty in the Movies
If youÂ’re having doubts about keeping things from your loved one, then just see the disasters that befall those who are truthful in films.
Liar Liar - Forced by the wish of his disgustingly cute Hollywood child to tell only the truth for 24 hours, rubber-faced buffoon Jim Carrey finds the ultimate cost of veracity. When he meets a buxom new employee in the lift. “Everybody’s been really nice,” she says. “That’s because you’ve got enormous breasts” Carrey responds.
Result - CarreyÂ’s rubber face gets a well deserved slapping. He probably learns an important lesson of some kind from the experience.
Groundhog Day - Andie Macdowell reveals her university course was 19th century French poetry. “What a waste of time!” splutters the saggy-faced Ghostbuster.
Result - Murray is forced to live the same day thousands of times until he gets it right. He probably learns an important lesson of some kind from the experience.
Four Weddings and A Funeral - Hugh Grant is at the altar, about to marry a woman with a face like a duck (admittedly quite an attractive duck) until some nifty sign language persaudes him to admit that he actually loves someone else
Result - Grant is knocked on to the cold church floor and is subsequently only able to have sex with women if he pays them for it. That definitely taught him an important lesson.
Conclusion - telling the truth to women is very bad for you, although if you do you have a 2 out of 3 chance of marrying Andie Macdowell.
Notches on the Bedpost
It is in man’s nature to turn everything into a competition, and this of course includes sexual conquests. All men have some kind of record of their “achievements”. It might be a list of the names of all the people they’ve slept with. Or some kind of points system possibly incorporating a league table comparing their exploits with their closest friends. Roald Dahl wrote of a guy who kept a pubic hair of every partner. Jeffrey Dahmer, the Milwaukee Cannibal went a bit mad with this idea, keeping rather more substantial trophies in his fridge. (I think this is going a bit far, but if you’ve done this then it’s probably the number one of the list of things you shouldn’t tell your partner. Or anyone else.)
Although you may be very proud of your record, donÂ’t show your collection or list with your loved one. Women tend to think that the statistical/trophy based system somehow belittles the sexual act, treating women as sex objects and that any man who could do such a thing is disgusting, shallow and sad. They donÂ’t understand. No, actually, thinking about it, they understand perfectly. ThatÂ’s why they must never find out.
Affairs
Sometimes when you have an affair itÂ’s best to admit it and beg for forgiveness. If youÂ’re sorry she will probably (eventually) forgive and forget (except in the middle of heated arguments when she will remember very clearly). But there are certain individuals who are untouchable. She must never know if youÂ’ve slept with -
her best friend
her sister (especially if sheÂ’s a twin)
her mother
her gran
her mother and her gran together in a kinky night of bondage and lesbian sex
her pet
your mother
Pamela Anderson ( Imagine “Was it as good with Pammy” for the rest of your life)
your ex-girlfriend
Top 10 things you must not admit -
1 You sometimes fantasise about other women when youÂ’re sleeping with her
2 Your ex-girlfriend was in any way superior to her.
3 She is fat.
4 You donÂ’t like the jumper she bought you.
5 She is useless at fellatio.
6 You hate her taste in music, especially Alanis Morrisette.
7 You donÂ’t care if she had an orgasm.
8 You call her by the same pet name that you called your last girlfriend.
9 You think women are inferior to men, but pretend you think theyÂ’re equal so that theyÂ’ll have sex with you.
10 You killed her parents for the insurance money.
Guilt and Shame
Remember guys, lying doesnÂ’t make you a bad person. Being a man makes you a bad person. ThereÂ’s no way out of it.
Now destroy this article to ensure that none of this information gets to the enemy.
