This is the original and much wittier I think version of the Diary of a Penis that I wrote to publicise my book. Cosmo used a few earlier versions and their own amusing jokes to make up the piece that appeared in the mag, which I'll put up in the downloads section:
Monday 4th August
Ive decided to keep a diary.
This is surprising, for two reasons;
1) I am a penis. We are not renowned for our literary skills. (How do I write with no hands? Lets just say that the penis is mightier than the pen - though were not much competition for a sword).
2) I am a penis. Generally one would assume my mind was on other things. But now Im 36 I seem to have more time on my hands (possibly because Ive got less hands on my time).
Ive started asking questions, like:
Is size important? And if not, why are there no two inch, pencil-thin vibrators?
Ive been considering all the old chestnuts. Well, theres little else to look at when youre trapped in some underpants with them. At least I am sometimes released from this sweaty prison for copulation, masturbation, urination and occasionally as the central piece in an unamusing impression of an elephant.
So what do you call the useless flap of skin attached to the end of a penis? In my case hes called Richard, though I like to call him Dick (I enjoy the irony). Weve managed to stay friends, despite our clandestine sexual relationship. Though, Im pretty sure that people can tell hes a wanker.
Speaking of which, Channel 5 is showing one of its so-called adult movies (is that why its called soft porn?) and it appears that I am required. Sometimes I hate my job.
Tuesday 5th August
I woke up before Dick as usual. Standing to attention for an hour and the sergeants still sleeping.
OK, maybe not quite standing to attention. When I was 18, I was pointing at the ceiling, now Im pointing at the picture of Dicks gran on the mantelpiece. Hopefully thats normal, but I havent seen any other erect penises, apart from in Porn films. Or horror movies as I call them. Heaven help me if those freaks are average.
Finally he wakes up, theres a quick two minute fumble, no fore-play, no affection. He comes, rolls over and is snoring within thirty seconds. Know the feeling, girls?
It wouldnt be so bad if Dick hadnt been going through a lean patch recently. He split up with his girlfriend, Rachel, a couple of months back. Whilst I tried to be sympathetic and feel his pain, secretly Im thinking Single? Wa-hey! Ladies, form a queue!
But we havent had sex (with anyone else) for two months. Its exactly like being in a long term relationship.
Wednesday 6th August
Dick is pining for Rachel, but I am keen for him to meet someone new (who understands that the phrase strangling the chicken is a euphemism, rather than an instruction), so I persuaded him to join a gym. How erotic! Hell soon forget Rachel when he sees those lycra-clad lovelies bobbing up and down on the step machine.
But as he was sitting down to take off his shoes in the locker room, a chunky fella next to us bent over to remove his sweaty pants and stuck his flabby arse right in our faces. Not erotic. Not erotic at all.
Then he turned round.
Now Im not one for penis envy, but lets just say this fella doesnt do impressions of elephants. Maybe the Loch Ness Monster!
Dick put his shoes back on and left.
I tried to explain that I was a grower, not a show-er, but he was inconsolable.
Thursday 7th August
Not so inconsolable that he couldnt have a wank this morning. He thought of Rachel, which is weird because she was the last person hed think of when he was going out with her.
Hes got to get over her. Her techniques for giving blow jobs and grating cheese were uncannily similar.
Friday 8th August
Im getting so frustrated by the lack of action that Im considering catching myself in Dicks zipper. Then Id need to go to hospital and at least Id get handled by a nurse.
Knowing my luck Id get a male nurse.
Given my level of frustration, that still isnt that unappealing a scenario.
Saturday 9th August
Miraculously Dick managed to pull tonight. She was pretty, funny and intelligent. Christ knows what she saw in him. (I mean, if shed caught a glimpse of me I could understand it, but I can take no credit. He hadnt even done his elephant impression.)
Two hours after meeting her we were, naked, in her bed, all going to plan. She cant wait, he cant wait, I cant wait
. But wait. Theres a problem. Nothings happening. Is this thing plugged in?
Hes blaming me. But its his fault. Hes nervous, hes drunk and worse, hes thinking about that cow, Rachel. No wonder I cant stand up straight.
This has never happened before, he lied.
She took one look at me and laughed.
The blood rushed to his cheeks, which is the last place we wanted the blood to be given the circumstances.
We stormed out with our heads hanging in shame.
Me and Dick slept with our backs to each other tonight. Which is quite a feat when you think about it.
Sunday 10th August
As solid as a Viagra-coated rock this morning. Typical!
But Dick and me found the best part of arguing is making up.
We both imagined what could have been.
