Full list of answers for Guardian Questionnaire

Please answer a minimum of thirty questions, including the first two and last two. Where the question demands a yes or no answer, perhaps you would be kind enough to expand on your response.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I think being perfectly happy would make me uneasy and suspicious that something was going on behind my back, so I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I am happier in a world of imperfection, which is lucky for me, as that is where I live.

2. What is your greatest fear?

We have nothing to fear but fear itself…. and monsters.

3. With which historical figure do you most identify and why?
Like Jesus Christ I am “gluttonous and a wine-bibber and a friend of publicans and sinners”. I am not saying I am Jesus. That is for other people to say.

4. Which living person do you most admire and why?
At this moment, Larry David, for creating the best sit-com I have ever seen, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. He’s much funnier than Nelson Mandela.

5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Fundamentalist religious belief.

7. What has been your most embarrassing moment?
In hindsight, being born. I am amazed I am able to look my mother in the face after that.

8. What vehicles do you own?

A VW Golf Automatic.

9. What is your greatest extravagance?

I like buying ever more sophisticated computers, even though I only ever use them for word processing and solitaire.

10. What objects do you always carry with you?
The keys to my house. This enables me to get back in should I ever wish to return.

11. Where would you like to live?
In Ancient Pompeii, before it all got covered in ash and stuff.

12. What makes you depressed?
Bo’ Selecta

13. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
That it can be deceptive.

14. What is your most unappealing habit?
There are many and they all appeal to me. Pulling out my nasal hair in public is probably the least appealing to others.

15. What is your favourite smell?
Edinburgh when it smells of hops in the morning.

16. What is your favourite word?

17. What is your favourite building?

18. What is your favourite journey?
Driving to Uluru (Ayer’s Rock) from Adelaide.

19. What is your favourite book?
“Hollywood” by Charles Bukowski.

20. What is your favourite fantasy?
That the congregation at my funeral will be filled with beautiful weeping women. Who then lez up.

21. How did you vote in the last election?

22. How will you vote in the next election?
That is a good question. I don’t know the answer.

23. Should the Royal Family be scrapped?
Not scrapped, but maybe hobbled like in “Misery” to keep them out of trouble.

24. Do you believe in capital punishment?
No. It makes us all murderers. Don’t stoop to their level. It will just encourage them.

25. For what cause would you die?
I think I am more use alive.

26. Do you believe in monogamy?
I believe it exists. Mainly amongst swans. I don’t think it is for everyone.

27. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Alcohol. But she is a cruel mistress and I am not sure she loves me back.

28. Which living person do you most despise and why?
Jane Root for cancelling my last TV series just when we were getting somewhere.

29. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

30. Have you ever said “I love you” without meaning it?
I may have used it sarcastically once or twice.

31. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“Cheg on! You am a twart!”

32. What is your greatest regret?
Not going to my grandfather’s 90th birthday party.

33. When and where were you happiest?
I think in bed and in love with my then girlfriend in Edinburgh in 2002.

34. How do you relax?
With a drink.

35. How often do you have sex?
This varies wildly depending on circumstances. But luckily I am always there for myself throughout the lean patches.

36. What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A bionic eye.

37. What would your motto be?
Only in destroying find I ease.

38. What keeps you awake at night?

Coffee after 7pm

39. How would you like to die?
I would like to be strapped to a giant rocket and fired into the heart of the Sun

40. Do you believe in life after death?
No. The idea of living forever is just too appalling to contemplate, especially if I am to be deprived of my body and all the pleasures it has given me.

41. How would you like to be remembered?
I always thought Ozymandius had the right idea about that one. Except I would have the statue made out of indestructible material.

42. What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged.

Please scribble a joke in the space below.

Sorry, don’t know any.