Every Sunday I review the papers on the Andrew Collings Show on 6Music. We can only go with what the papers give us and usually it’s an endless parade of celebrity infidelity and paedophiles going on holidays at our expense. But today we had some proper breaking news: Saddam Hussein’'s sentence of execution. I appreciated the court’s efforts to work on a Sunday just so they could make the announcement on Bonfire Night! Ah, the delicious parallels between Fawkes and Hussein: the authorities accusing them of terrorism, but always the suspicion that they were being set up by the government to focus hatred on a religious minority. At least King James’' soldiers managed to “find” Guido’'s weapons of mass destruction. Though suspiciously never his matches.
Hopefully this means that the people of Iraq will be able to institute their own November 5th fireworks night to celebrate the tyrantÂ’s downfall. The people of Baghdad have been through a lot these last few years and I think for one day a year they deserve to relax and watch the night sky brightened by a series of colourful explosions.
I know Saddam isn'’t the nicest bloke in the world, but execution seems a bit barbaric. I think of him as a kind of well meaning moustachioed comical figure, a bit like Borat. Yes, he’'s said and done some bad things, but only because he doesn’'t know any better. Surely our Christian nation can forgive him. If nothing else in about five years time he’d make an excellent contestant on “I’'m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” or “Celebrity Big Brother”. Like James Hewitt or Michael Barrymore he could make up for his past transgressions and win his place back in the public heart by eating some earwigs or dancing around in a funny wig. Before you pull that lever Pierrepoint, please think of the ratings. Think of all the highly paid, unimaginative, morally bankrupt TV executives you could keep in employment. And think of the brilliantly funny Pizza Hut advert that Saddam would be able to appear in.
But if he has to die then hanging seems a bit prosaic for such a showman. If we are going to go back to the old days of capital punishment, as favoured by these backward countries like Iraq or America, then let’'s get some proper entertainment value. How about having him tied to two horses and ripped apart? Or let’'s get properly medieval on his arse (I am English, I can’t say “ass”) and draw and quarter him as well, then chop off his cock and stick it in his mouth while he’'s still alive. Personally I believe that he who lives by the giant statue of his own hand holding a sword should die by the giant statue of his own hand holding a sword. What an execution that would be!
However he goes, once heÂ’'s been pulled down from the gallows a couple of American soldiers have to drape his face with the Stars and Stripes before hastily remembering that this was actually all done for IraqÂ’'s benefit.
