Journalism

New Statesman full version

Last Wednesday I reviewed “The Interpretation of Murder" by Jed Rubenfeld for the The Richard and Judy Book Club. Authors either love or hate the existence of this marketing phenomenon, pretty much depending on whether their work gets featured on it or not.
Although my own book, “Talking Cock” has inexplicably never been selected, I was happy to participate, because I love Richard and Judy. Not in an ironic, studenty way (though that is how our relationship began), but sincerely. Richard is the king of foot near mouth broadcasting and Judy is his perfect foil, giving him enough rope to hang himself, but then ready to put a stool under his feet at the last minute to prevent his actual demise. This is a metaphor. I am not suggesting this is how they get their kicks.
The book is over 500 pages and IÂ’d had just four days to read it, with an important script deadline looming. I had considered just reading the back cover blurb and winging it. But I couldnÂ’t lie to my heroes, so stayed up all night to finish the disappointing middle-brow thriller.
The discussion began with academic Bonnie Greer proving to be unstoppably loquacious and I wondered if I would get to say anything. After two minutes she paused for breath and Richard jumped in to ask me about the book’s sexual content. I argued that the author lingered salaciously over the strangulation scenes (something which Judy seemed to object to – draw your own conclusions) but when I opined that the female characters were two dimensional, Greer interrupted me and launched into another florid soliloquy. I had spoken for maybe fifteen seconds.
Every time I attempted to say something Greer would interject, and I could find no space to retaliate. I ended up saying about one more concise and truncated thing and then it was over.
It would all have been a waste of time, had Richard not wished me luck on my forthcoming stand-up tour, which I mentioned was called “ménage à un”. He laughed and asked me if it was about Onanism. I had caused Richard Madeley to use the Biblical euphemism for masturbation on tea-time TV. I believe this justifies my existence.



Passing my local nursery just as the children were going in, I was surprised to see that although all the other kids were dressed normally, one boy was wearing an elaborate pirate costume. If an adult had suddenly made the decision to come to work dressed up as a pirate then eyebrows would be raised, but no-one was giving this tiny buccaneer a second look. It seems unfair that kids can get away with all sorts of eccentric behaviour.
Why had just one child turned up for school in costume?
Had he got the wrong day for a fancy dress party? Or the right day, but none of the other kids wanted to join in with this childish conceit?
I decided that it was most likely that he came from a family of pirates and his parents had dressed him in this way. The only flaw in this theory was that the man that I assumed was his dad was wearing regular dad clothes. But it's possible that the boy's mum was a pirate, who had married out of the pirate community, and the couple had compromised: the boy would attend a non-pirate school, but wear the pirate clothes of his ancestors.
When a pirate and a non-pirate marry there must be many difficult decisions. Just as if a Christian marries a Jew, there might be a heated discussion about whether any boy child should be circumcised, in the pirate/non-pirate relationship a discussion must take place about whether any progeny will have a hand removed and replaced with a hook. I don't want to criticise any culture, but the needless amputation of the limbs of small children is seems barbaric and outmoded. But if people have been hacking bits of children for centuries who am I to say they should stop now?
ItÂ’s possible that the dad was a pirate, who was trying to assimilate himself into our culture. Ignorant sections of our society will make offensive comments, members of the cabinet are trying to outlaw eye-patches and you are probably aware of the largely DVD based advertising campaign discouraging the whole notion of piracy. ItÂ’s important to remember that just because a few pirates have committed atrocities, that doesnÂ’t mean they are all bad. ItÂ’s a media conspiracy.
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