Richard Herring: Food's my life, sex is a way to take my mind off chocolate
The countdown to Richard Herring's wedding is well under way and he's getting a suit fitted ﾃや but there's the small issue of a love of cake, chocolate, pizzaﾃやｦ
Iﾃや冦 trying to lose some weight for my wedding in six weeks.
When I went to get measured for my suit, I warned the tailor for fear that my imminent dramatic fat loss might affect his measurements. ﾃや露 hear that a lot,ﾃや he replied with an admirably straight face. ﾃや露ﾃや冤l work with what Iﾃや况e got.ﾃや
What cynicism. I nearly gave him what for but instead whispered: ﾃや露s there any way of putting in an emergency expanding waistband, just in case?ﾃや
ﾃや聾ay ahead of you,ﾃや he said.
I have always struggled with my weight ﾃや some sexists wrongly assume that itﾃや冱 a womanly problem. But if fat is a feminist issue, where exactly did that leave Bernard Manning?
Food is my life, my love, my chocolate-coated raisin dﾃや册tre. Some people say chocolate is a substitute for sex; for me, sex is just a way to take my mind off chocolate for 35 seconds. Itﾃや冱 not fair. My fiancﾃδｩe can eat whatever she likes and she remains as skinny as a two-dimensional stick. I just have to consume one tiny, mini, low-fat muffinﾃやｦ a family-sized pizza, a giant tub of Hﾃδ､agen-Dazs, six pints of Guinness and a party bucket of fried chicken on the way homeﾃやｦ and the weight just piles on.
I donﾃや冲 understand moderation. If I have one beer, or one chip, or one of Mr Kiplingﾃや冱 French Fancies, I have to continue gorging until all available local supplies have been exhausted. Remember the French Fancy famine of 2003? That was me.
It was always like this.
When I was at primary school, Susan Restwell, the class swot, asked me: ﾃや路ave you got any Easter eggs left, Richard Herring?ﾃや
ﾃや楼f course I havenﾃや冲,ﾃや I growled back. ﾃや露tﾃや冱 September.ﾃや
ﾃや露ﾃや况e still got three and three-quarters left,ﾃや she smarmed. ﾃや露 only eat a tiny piece every day, so my Easter eggs last for ages.ﾃや
I didnﾃや冲 tell her that Iﾃや囘 stuffed my five Easter eggs down my gullet by 10am on Easter Sunday. And then vomited. I just said: ﾃや聾asnﾃや冲 it William Blake who said ﾃや徼he Road of Excess leads to the Palace of Wisdomﾃや?ﾃや
ﾃや郎es,ﾃや she smiled, with cold eyes. ﾃや錬ut the Road of Excess is a two-way street with no signposts and in the other direction lies the Hut of Stupidity. Thatﾃや冱 where you, like most of the travellers on that damned highway, will end up.ﾃや
Maybe my indulgences are a strength. Iﾃや冦 seizing the day, living for the moment. Like River Phoenix, Jim Morrison and James Dean, I want to live fast, die young and have a corpulent corpse. Iﾃや冦 a meteorite burning across the night sky and if I explode, so what?
Admittedly, none of those icons were felled by an addiction to Wham bars and Pickled Onion Monster Munch. But thatﾃや冱 as close to the edge as Iﾃや冦 prepared to go. I have hedonistic vertigo. Less a meteorite, more a sparkler being waved in the air, spelling out minor swear words.
Back in the playground, with staggering foresight for an eight-year-old, Susan concluded: ﾃや楼f course, the fascinating thing about our respective attitudes to chocolate is the effect it is certain to have on our adult sex lives.
ﾃや露nevitably, Iﾃや冤l become obsessed with resisting temptation, tying up my lovers and leaving them untouched for days. And your gorging on chocolate will lead to you becoming too fat to ever get a s**g.ﾃや
Susan, if youﾃや决e reading this, you were right about me. If you turned out as predicted, maybe youﾃや囘 like to get back in touch. Quickly, though, because Iﾃや冦 getting married soon. Wearing a muumuu.
Richard Herring is currently touring Britain with his show What Is Love, Anyway? www.richardherring.com
Read more:
http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/890862-richard-herring-foods-my-life-sex-is-a-way-to-take-my-mind-off-chocolate#ixzz1n3a2LxuI
