Metro column no 9

By Richard Herring - 3rd April, 2012

Richard Herring: Amy Pond has five days left to convince me to marry her
Richard Herring makes a last-ditch attempt to woo the woman of his dreams before he walks down the aisle and faces up to reality.

So this is it. I am getting married on Saturday. My last column as a single man. From next week on, you may notice some changes, as I'll only be allowed to write what my wife tells me. I will be hen-whipped and pussy-pecked – I think I've got that right (I hope so, sounds great). So one last week of truth and freedom from the columnist who tells it like it is. Men are better than women. No, that's not true. Some men are better than some women. All right, they're not. But please allow us to pretend that we are. Freedom!

If I am honest, I hadn't expected things to get this far. When I announced my forthcoming nuptials in this very paper eight short weeks ago, I did so in the hope that Amy Pond from Doctor Who would pick up a copy of Metro, become inflamed with jealousy and use the next two months to track me down, seduce me and make me marry her instead. But Amy Pond either isn't as clever as I thought or is playing hard to get (by never meeting me and being unaware that I exist – the tease). I suppose there's an outside chance that she doesn't find me attractive… Ha, no, what am I thinking? Look at me. I look like Brad Pitt. If he was looking at himself in quite an extreme fairground mirror. What women wouldn't want that?

Well, I can't wait forever, Amy. I don't have a time machine, like you. So I'll have to abandon subtlety – you have five days to find me and make me yours. So pull your finger out. Which is not something I ever imagined saying to Amy Pond. Quite the opposite.

This isn't just a deluded infatuation of a middle-aged man terrified of facing reality. I am deeply and truly in love with Amy Pond. Not the actress who plays her – she looks like a nightmare. I am in love with the character of Amy Pond. I am prepared to marry the actress but only if she'll stay in character for the entire marriage. Do get in touch with me via Metro ASAP, if you're up for this. You're in danger of missing out on the acting job of a lifetime, as well as some quite disappointing and selfish love-making.

I am sure this is all just last-minute jitters. I think every prospective groom, at some point, imagines he's in love with a fictional time-travelling character and desperately attempts to romance her via his 600-word newspaper column. But it's totally unrealistic – everyone knows that Amy is already married to Rory (though God knows why). And even if she wasn't, I think I'd tire of Amy after three or four decades.

My fiancée is real (I hope) and she's amazing and puts up with me and my obvious stupidity and we are going on an adventure through space and time together that'll be more exciting than some of the weaker Colin Baker episodes of Doctor Who. We don't know what the future will bring but I will do all I can to make her happy. I can't tell you how delighted I am that she's going to be my wife (if she still wants to be after this).

But if, on Saturday, when the registrar says: 'If anyone here knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now' the room is filled with the grinding sound of the Tardis materialising, it's going to leave me with quite a tough decision.

Richard Herring is currently touring Britain with his show, What Is Love, Anyway?

Follow Richard Herring on Twitter @Herring1967

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