Journalism

Metro 64

Richard Herring: There was nothing pleasurable about this indecent proposal
Friday 17 May 2013

Richard Herring had an interesting offer after finishing a show that he was glad to refuse.

As a younger and less married man, I used to be a bit obsessed with the seemingly unattainable fantasy of a threesome.

I’d pester my former girlfriend: ‘Why don’t you bring your best friend to bed with us? Three in a bed! Ménage à trois!’ She’d reply: ‘You have enough trouble satisfying one woman at a time. What makes you think you could cope with two?’

She thought she’d got me there. She was so wrong. I’d reply: ‘That’s the entire beauty of the system. When I’m done, you two can finish each other off for me. While I sleep. A woman knows what a woman wants… and has
the patience to see it through to its tedious conclusion.’

She finished with me shortly after that conversation. So then I was reduced to having one-in-a-bed sex. Ménage à un. Which worked out great for me because I really enjoy having sex with someone that I pity.

Now middle-aged and married, I am largely untroubled by the sex-mad groupies who blight the life of comedians like Russell Brand. I do pity him. Given the slightly saucy nature of my latest show, Talking Cock, occasionally audience members can be a little cheeky or jokily flirtatious with me but that’s where it normally ends.

However, after last Saturday’s show, a woman sidled up to me in the bar, pushed against me and whispered in my ear: ‘Do you fancy a blowie?’ I laughed, thanking her for the offer, assuming it was another joke and showed her my wedding ring.

She informed me that she was married too, indicating her husband, who was standing a couple of paces away with a rictus grin and slightly mad, staring eyes. She said: ‘He just told me he’d really like to watch while I pleasure you.’ Her husband said nothing, just looked at me in quite an intense way, resembling one of the lustful satyrs that decorated the frescos of ancient Rome.

Even if I was single and had wanted to receive fellatio from this forward stranger, I wouldn’t have been all that happy knowing that this odd man was in the room, observing us. I think I might have found it hard to relax, fearing that halfway through he might suddenly shout: ‘What are you doing with my wife?’ and attack me. Or, worse still, join in. Careful what you wish for, it might come true.

I admired her boldness, though. Most people might waste hours or days getting to know you before suggesting that they ingest your genitalia, but not her. I had given no indication that I was up for having my lollipop licked in front of a wild-eyed, presumably onanistic audience of one but that didn’t stop her.

Perhaps recent news stories have just convinced her that all entertainers are perverts willing to carry out any grotesque act with anyone or anything they encounter.

But I am disappointingly vanilla in my sexual tastes and I was left in the awkward position of finding a polite way to turn down this kind offer without causing offence. I said: ‘I don’t think my wife would be very happy about that.’

I’ve never been more delighted to be married. Even the moment my wife said ‘I do’ was not as good as having a valid excuse to avoid being murdered by this confused and voluntarily cuckolded madman.

I am flattered that they both enjoyed the show so much, but really, if you like my comedy the only thing you need to shake is my hand. I don’t mind if your husband watches.

Richard Herring brings Talking Cock to the Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre on Sunday, May 26. For tickets, go to www.openairtheatre.com