Metro 146

Happy New Year! It’s 2015. But I am still writing, “Why am I still using cheques?” on all of my cheques.

I hope you had a good Christmas. I was given the Wolf of Wall Street on DVD. Lots of people rated it, but I think that it’s the worst werewolf movie ever. There isn’t a single werewolf in it! The set up is great: we’re introduced to loads of horrible characters and you’re thinking, “Great, I can’t wait until he is eaten by a werewolf” or “ Seeing these drugged up, criminal money men ripped apart by a moon-crazed man beast will be some sort of symbolic vengeance on all the idiots like them who chucked our economy down the toilet”. But the werewolf never appears. By the end I would have been happy if they’d just locked the doors and released a regular wolf into the offices, but presumably they’d used up all the budget demeaning women and dwarves so they couldn’t afford to. None of the corrupt moneymen receive  any kind of real punishment at all and carry on living in luxury. So at least it’s true to life. Leonardo di Caprio needs to research his parts more carefully though. He has no idea how to eat sherbert. You use your mouth, maybe using a stick of liquorice to suck it up, you don't use your nose and snort it off of a woman's bottom. Zero stars.

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I am trying to come up with some formats for TV and radio myself, but I’ve only had one idea so far: Katie Hopkins follows up the recent TV programme where she deliberately got fat in order to demonstrate how easy it is to lose weight, by being deliberately given the ebola virus to show how easy it is to shake that off. It’s one way to make people feel sorry for the ebola virus. And if that proves to be the ratings triumph I suspect it will be, then we can do future series where other public irritants are given deadly diseases to see what happens. Might small pox be one of the contestants on the next series of Celebrity Big Brother? It’s certainly more famous than most of the people they get on that show and to be honest after a long time out of the spotlight it would probably relish a shot at the big time again. And how about Jeremy Kyle Get Put on a Spike?


And of course it’s time for New Year’s resolutions.

Last January I resolved to show the medical establishment how ridiculous the BMI system is, by losing 25kg to get to my supposedly ideal weight of 72kg. I would look emaciated and unhealthy and all the doctors would have to admit they were wrong and I could eat as many chocolate éclairs as I liked. I was under 80kg by August and if I am honest, it still looked like I had a bit of weight to shift, but that doesn’t mean I was wrong. I ended the year almost exactly at the halfway point at 84kg. So my New Year’s resolution is to lose 12kg (which let’s face it, I managed last year) and then this time next year my doctor is in for a rude awakening.

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And 2015 is going to be a big year for me as my wife will be giving birth to our first child in about five or six weeks. Have I mentioned that before? Don’t worry I can’t imagine it’s going to come up again.