I have a knack of writing fictional things
that then come true. In my as yet unpublished (and also unwritten) novel
about the afterlife, “I’ve Wasted My Life” the protagonist dies by tripping
over in the kitchen and landing on a large kitchen knife that is in the
cutlery section of the dishwasher, sticking point
upwards. Unlike my unlucky fictional hero I am very careful to not
put cutlery pointy-side up. Partly for fear of death and partly because then
you don’t get your mucky paw-prints all over them as you remove them.
Others of course argue that the cutlery doesn’t get as clean if you put them in
that way. But they are idiots.
I actually prefer to wash my good knives by
hand, as the dishwasher can crack the handles, though others maintain that you
are in more danger of blunting your knives in the sink. Again, why don’t these others shut up and
learn from the dishwasher expert. I am not right about much, but I am right
about everything concerning dishwashers. People feel surprisingly strongly
about this. It’s strange that people fight wars over whether Jesus is literally
in some bread or not (I am no Biblical expert but I am pretty sure that that’s
what Jesus would have wanted – he was mainly an advocate of pointless and
insane violence) but no one launches Stealth bombers about incorrect dishwasher
etiquette. It’s much more contentious and dishwashers are definitely real.
So obviously I didn’t trip and fall on to a
knife and die this week…. or did I? Woooo! Woooo! I am a ghost. No I didn’t.
But as I reached to put something in the dishwasher I felt a sharp
pain in my hand. I had speared the top part of my palm on a steak
knife that was pointing out of the cutlery compartment. How? Why? Why God
Why?
I was initially unsure about how bad
the damage was. There was a bit of blood and it really hurt, but I was mainly surprise
and confused. I am in charge of the dishwasher. I don’t put sharp knives
in there. And even if I did (which I don’t) I would put them point down.
My mother-in-law has been round helping out
with her granddaughter and had kindly done some tidying in the kitchen. Unbeknownst
to me she is a point-up kind of woman (what have I married into? And how did
the family keep such things from me?). She witnessed the spearing and
amongst my many polite, “Don’t worry”s and “I’m fine”s, I did manage to
indignantly point out, “We don’t put those knives in there!"
I told her I put knives point down (if they
end up in the dishwasher at all, which THEY DON’T), but she argued that she
puts them point up because otherwise there’s a danger that they will damage the
cutlery holder. What a ridiculous thing to say? I don’t want to come over all
Katie Hopkins (who does?) but I think people like this should be deported or
worse.
Luckily the damage to my hand was minimal
and the pain subsided (I didn’t even cry) and I survived. It would have been
ironic if I had died as I had just finished a meeting with a solicitor who is
going to draw up my will. If I had caught my wrist I might have bled to death.
And died intestate. And no one wants to die without their testates, which is
another reason to put your knives point downwards, especially if you make
breakfast in your dressing gown.
