I slept in too late to go and see any of Zagreb today, so it really ended up like a regular gig where you are in and out of town without seeing a thing.
At the airport I got to security and prepared to go through the metal detector. I put my coat and bag on the conveyor belt. I threw a few one duna coins and my Ipod and phone and gameboy into one of the plastic boxes. "And also your belt," said the man at the machine.
"I have to take off my belt?" I queried, never having been asked to do this before. The guard nodded, so I took off my belt and thanked God that I am currently so fat (even without any food for 24 hours - I'd missed breakfast too) that there is little danger that my trousers would fall down. I headed through the metal detector.
It beeped and the guard on the other side said something to me in Croatian. I told him I was English and he said, "Take off your jacket," gesturing that I should put it on the conveyor belt and come through again. I realised that I had my pocket PC in my jacket pocket (how much electronic equipment does oneman need?)and assumed that was what had set the machines off. So I smiled at guard one and said, "I forgot about my computer," and pulled a face like I was an absent-minded doofus. Having to deal with this scenario several times a day he did not seem to find this face amusing and just wished I would get on with things. So I put my jacket on the belt and went through again. Again it beeped. "Take off your shoes," said guard two.
"My shoes?" I queried, never having had to do this before and was met with the same nod and gesture as before. I began to worry that I was going to have to keep passing through the detector until I had stripped off every single item of clothing, or at least until they had discovered the cucumber wrapped in tin foil stuffed down my trousers. "Well it can't be my shoes," I mumbled to myself grumpily, as I put them on to the scanning machine. But of course when I passed through the metal detector it failed to beep. It had been my shoes after all. Who'd have thought it?
I had a fair bit of dressing to do at the other side and an Englishman behind me had gone through a similar rigmarole. "They're very thorough, aren't they?" he remarked. I agreed they were, not that I particularly mind this. I would rather sit naked on a plane than be blown up by a bomb cleverly concealed in a belt buckle. I picked all my electronic equipment out of the plastic box, temporarily leaving behind the six or seven duna. The Englishman behind me suddenly threw four more duna into the box. I thought for a second that maybe I had dropped them and said thanks, but realised that that was not the case. The only explanation was that the Englishman had assumed that this plastic box was for tips for the security men and felt that their efficient service warranted a four duna reward. I found this a slightly unlikely misunderstanding. If I see a box of coins by an xray machine at an airport I would assume that it had come out of the pockets of one of the other passengers in order to pass through the machine. After all, I donÂ’t think there is a security man in the world who has a little tray out for tips; it's not their style. They are not a profession you associate with deserving extra reward for their troubles, because even though they are essentially helping you, it always feels more like an inconvenience and an affront. But maybe the guy was thrown about having to take off his shoes and stuff and thought this was a Croatian custom.
But I was now stuck in the embarrassing position of having four of this man's dunas in amongst my own dunas. I didn't want his dunas -I scarcely wanted my own as I was nearly out of the country for good - but to hand the dunas back would only point out this fellow's mistake and make him feel awkward and foolish. Yet even picking up the box and taking out the dunas would also highlight his error and make him ashamed of his wrong (very slight) generosity. Worse, he might assume I was stealing the security guards' tips.
So I was forced to delay putting on my clothes and shoes and belt as long as possible whilst I waited for this man to put on his coat and shoes and belt so that the potential embarrassment could be overcome. But he was taking ages to get ready. Like maybe he'd realised he'd made a mistake and was waiting until I got out the way so he could take his dunas back.
Finally after I'd cleverly put my belt on back to front twice (actually by accident, making it the perfect delaying exercise) he went off and I left the scene both four dunas richer and having averted another's embarrassment. It was a win-win situation that others might have turned into a lose-lose by handing the dunas back.
I bought a coffee and a sandwich and had 11 dunas left in the world (four of which were someone else's) so I left them as a heft 35% tip for the waitress. Because waitresses are people you tip. Not security guards. So order in the world was restored and the man's tip had found the correct home.
