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Feeling a bit stultified this week. Maybe a bit tired and feeling the weight of the world, which seems to have increased in density this year. I think also the let down of the vendors having withdrawn from the sale of the house we were going to move to is also depressing me. It’s not too bad. We’ll find somewhere else. But the plans had seemed solid and I’d already moved in in my head and worst of all we have to go through it all again. Shepherd’s Bush is not going to let me go. It’s going to squeeze the life out of me and leave my bones to rot here.
But probably this mini malaise is mainly down to having worked pretty hard over the weekend and needing some time to recuperate. I managed to take my daughter to her teeny football club and do a bit of Christmas shopping. But spent most of the afternoon in the bath playing Scrabble against an imaginary computer opponent.
I could have been exercising or reading or trying to get somewhere with the work I have to do, but sometimes you just need to wallow in a bath and in your own indefinable misery. I hope, as always that at some point I am going to pull myself together, return to the fitness I enjoyed in 2014 and use my time to improve myself intellectually. But experience tells me that any attempt to be a new me will be short lived. I am stuck with the time wasting, video game playing, TV watching idiot who has squandered the precious gift of life.
Luckily I had a date night with the most beautiful woman in the world tonight (don’t tell my wife - I don’t want her knowing that I think she’s the most beautiful woman in the world) and I blew the cobwebs out of my brain with a nice meal, a strong cocktail and a fine bottle of wine. I reminisced about the days when I was able to drink heavily every night (approximately every day 1984-2007) and more or less get on with things (though to be fair I don’t remember much of it). Nowadays half a bottle of wine and a cocktail takes me pretty much to my limit. But even though I knew it wouldn’t serve me well tomorrow and even though I was nicely drunk already, we stopped off at a wine bar on the way home and had a bottle of Prosecco between us. It tasted bitter and cheap after the nice bottle we’d had. But it did its job. And the depressant of alcohol wiped out the lingering sadness in my brain. It’s ten years since I first met my wife and nine years since we first met up for a drink together. Thank God she turned up in my life. And then, like some kind of perverted magician, produced another human being from a very unexpected place for me to love even more. The joy they bring is nearly matched by the terror and the fear of them having to live in this fucked up world. But the joy wins out.
Bonus audio AIOTM number 4 is now up here and on iTunes
