Some religious people (even bishops I believe) are claiming the the recent bad weather is as a result of God being upset by the idea of same sex marriage. Better comedians than me have pointed out the logical flaws in such an idea and you would certainly think that God would be able to send a more direct signal than some rain. Like maybe just blowing up any place where a gay marriage is taking place, as it is taking place, with a thunderbolt. That would be a pretty clear sign of Godly disapproval. It seems a bit of a leap to decide that the floods are down to gays getting married. I would have thought that God would be angrier about the ones not getting married, personally as at least the married ones are aiming for monogamy which - in God's view - is better. Surely in his chart of sins a man sucking off loads of men is worse than him sucking off just one.
But anyway if God's anger needs someone to interpret its meaning then it isn't very effective and I am suspicious that the Bishop involved was just saying that for his own agenda. It's as likely that God has sent the floods because he's angry about Jimmy Carr's tax arrangements or maybe he was protesting about John Terry being sent to court or maybe he did it because he wants all Dutch men castrated. You need to be clearer God. Just saying. Not trying to tell you your job.
To be honest if you just appeared in the sky and told us to stop doing whatever it is that is annoying you, then that would be a lot clearer and I think probably most people would take notice and stop. While you're doing that if you could tell us which of the religions is right and where all missing children are and cure cancer then that'd be cool too.
If some floods and a bit of rain was punishment for gay weddings then it surely shows that God doesn't care that much about it. He has the power to unleash all kinds of locusts and fire and Apocalyptic horseman, so surely heavy rain can only mean His disapproval is mild. In His arsenal of weaponry this is just like an old woman tutting. Let's face it some of the floods he has sent have been pretty Biblical, so these minor ones look like He's just trying to be seen to do something, like a trendy teacher being forced to tell off some kids for smoking, when he himself smokes pot with some sixth formers.
And I can tell you now that the weather is nothing to do with gays. I found out why we've had all the precipitation. It's because of the Slug and Lettuce pub outside Canary Wharf on a Friday night. That's what God is angry about. He wants it to get shut down, so He's flooding other areas of the UK in the hope that the message will get through, but it hasn't.
I chanced across it tonight on the way back from a very enjoyable gig at the Greenwich festival. I had drunk a lot of water and then a couple of bottles of beer and once I had gone a few stops up the Docklands Light Railway I really needed a wee. I was almost an hour from home and I wouldn't be able to hold it in, but luckily in changing to the Jubilee line I had the opportunity to nip into a pub toilets. And the pub I chose happened to be the one that is causing us all this trouble. The Slug and Lettuce at Canary Wharf.
It was packed with young people drinking and shouting and not getting out of the way of their elders and betters who were just trying to use the toilet. Drunk young women were dancing in a sexually alluring way, trying to impress young men who worked in finance. There was also a 45 year old man trying to use the toilets even though he hadn't had a drink. It was a den of depravity with loud music so you couldn't hear yourself speak. I didn't like it at all. The people were all too young and drunk and I felt very out of place. And I realised that this was what God was objecting to. Not because it was something that I didn't like so I was projecting my own prejudices on to Him, but because the place was clearly full of dicks. If only God's omnipotence was a bit more direct he could have evaporated this pub right now and the world would have been a much better place (I hope He would have saved me - my only crime was to need a wee and we've all been there, even God). Surely no one could approve of this lifestyle of hedonism and drinking. I think some of the people there might end up having sex with each other too. Disgusting.
So that's what all the bad weather has been about and if you want God to be pleased and for the sun to come out then please campaign for that pub to be shut down and anyone found drinking in it (not emergency weeing in it) to be sent to prison for life. You'll see. The UK will become a tropical paradise. Poor old God. I feel sorry for him that so many people misinterpret his ire.
I've got your back Jahweh!
