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Monday 23rd January 2023


I have extended my streak of not making it to the National Comedy Awards to 31 years. RHLSTP did not make the short list for best podcast. Nothing I’ve done since On The Hour (which some might argue would have done OK without my involvement) has been worthy of nomination. And I’ve never been nominated for the Edinburgh award for any of my many shows. Might I actually be no good at comedy? No, it’s the award committees that are all wrong.
As this award is voted for by the public, this whole thing is really just indicative of how shit you all are as fans. So take a moment and think about that, you useless cunts.
And hey look, I have my Chortle internet awards from the time when only I was doing internet comedy, so things are looking pretty good. And in spite of my mediocrity I have somehow worked constantly for the last three decades (even if much of that work was created by myself), so I am a good example to newer comedians that you don’t have to be part of the establishment to have a decent career. Though you might end up playing snooker against yourself in an attic instead of going to awards ceremonies. I may not be a good example after all.
Awards can be useful of course, certainly in terms of getting projects off the ground or to help with book sales, but there’s plenty of people who have won awards and found that nothing has really changed for them. Ultimately I am guessing that success is largely down to how good you are at sucking cock. I am very bad at this and that’s why none of my stuff gets on TV. But do bear in mind that everyone you see on TV must be good at sucking cock, as that’s how they got there. I am, however, really good at getting my cock sucked. Maybe I should have been a TV executive.
Would awards have helped us get another series of TMWRNJ or get all those various sitcom projects I’ve had off the ground? Maybe, but probably not. I am a little sad that Relativity never got any kind of recognition (not even for the fine acting by everyone who wasn’t me in the cast, but especially Phil and Alison) but I don’t think it would have changed much if it had.
In a way I am quite impressed with myself for consistently managing to swerve accolades and the sad truth about me is that I’d rather be talking to my puppets in my attic than hanging out at Stringfellows with Paddy McGuinness. 
I also don’t think that I am in the top 4 podcasts to be fair. Not sure that the public have voted for the actual top 4 either and I suppose the slightly annoying thing about he nominations is that they are mainly to people who are TV stars already, rather than the many lesser known people who are doing interesting stuff in the medium (and most of those are doing stuff beyond the scope of podcasts anyway). But a public vote wasn’t really going to achieve anything but this. 
I am at peace with my mediocrity. A genius is never celebrated in their own lifetime. The same is true, of course, of untalented fuckwits.

I turned down another guest appearance on a podcast, which I have to do about 5 times a week. I wanted to type â€œI’m sick of the sound of my own voice" but accidentally wrote “I’m sick of the wound of my own voice" which I think might be even more apt.

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