Back to Cheddar for the daytime and lunch in the garden with my crazy family, before heading off to the Tobacco Factory in Bristol for easily the best preview yet. I did 75 minutes and still didn't put in all the stuff I want, but it nearly all worked well and I was closer to getting completely off script, but buoyed on by the enthusiastic crowd I ad-libbed stuff and seemed to pace things better. I forgot to record it of course, because I am an idiot. But it felt like everything is heading in the right direction and I am excited about the possibilities for this show. I felt a lot more ready than I had two hours before.
I had arrived early and done some work in the dressing room and come up with an interesting idea about butterflies, which I was able to try out minutes after its creation. I also thought more about me trying to face off against Hamlet, who I think is a bit of a prick. I know I am supposed to think that about him to an extent, but I want to do something where I take apart the greatest speech of all time. I think it's unlikely that I will have the time or the place to put it in the show, so will work it up here for you instead. If it is great, I suppose I can dump a few more bits. Or I can try it in the Meaning of Life. Let's turn the greatest theatrical monologue of all time into a much superior dialogue.
I think I have the answers to his questions, anyway.
Hamlet: To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Richard: To be. That is the answer. Unless you have a disease so debilitating that it makes your life too awful to carry on living in pain, in which case doctors should help you not to be. But you don't have such an illness do you Hamlet, you whiny prick? Your only illness is self-indulgence and the cure for that is to shut up and get some perspective. Whilst continuing to be. I hope that answers your supposedly most brilliant question ever.
Hamlet: Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
Richard: It's the first one again, Hamlet. It's much nobler to suffer the slings and arrows then taking arms against a sea of troubles. It's pretty dumb trying to attack any body of water with conventional weaponry, but obviously it's better to deal with a few setbacks, than try to escape them by topping yourself. A five year old child could see that. Next question.
Hamlet: To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wishd.
Richard: Really? I don't get you at all Hamlet. You'd rather fail to exist entirely than have to put up with the kind of shit that gets thrown at us all on a day to day basis. Pull yourself together. Firstly you're a fucking prince. Only of Denmark, but that's not too bad. Free bacon I imagine. How tough can your life be? Yeah, sure, your Uncle killed your dad and is fucking your mum (and maybe you fancy her a bit), but at least you live in a castle and have everything you want, plus a nice girlfriend. Maybe if you spent a bit of time trying to be nice to her, rather than moaning about being a bit down in the dumps all the time then you'd be having a nicer time.
Hamlet: To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, theres the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come..
Richard: No dreams will come, Hamlet. You'll be dead. Is that your biggest fear about being dead? That you might have really nasty nightmares?
Hamlet: When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: theres the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
Richard: Jesus, you're a prick. If you did get to have dreams, however freaky and upsetting, surely that'd be preferable to not existing at all (which is what is going to happen). You're too scared to kill yourself in case in the afterlife you dream about turning up to school with no clothes on? You're a cock-hole.
Hamlet: For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressors wrong, the proud mans contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the laws delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin?
Richard: Firstly, put your bodkin away. No one wants to see your bare bodkin. Stop ruining the greatest speech of all time with such puerility. The answer to your question is that everyone would do that. Everyone would put up with those things in order to stay alive. Not because they're scared of bad death dreams, but because they appreciate that being alive is an amazing and impossible slice of luck and even though there's bad things about it, those bad things help to highlight the good stuff. If we survive them we might even get to stand up to oppressors or find love or overturn wrongs done to our fellow man. We certainly won't get over any of it if we kill ourselves the minute anything goes wrong for us. And like I've said, what do you know about any of this anyway? You're a fucking prince. At the very least you could start trying to solve these problems, but people a lot worse than you manage to stave off much worse things than those without wanting to kill themselves and then being too scared to because of some idea that they won't be able to stop dreaming. How old are you Hamlet? Some people say maybe 30 and you still live with your mum? Maybe when you've got a bit older you'll get a bit more perspective about your place in the Universe and learn to count your blessings.
Hamlet: who would fardels bear,
Richard: Oh you're not going to then.
Hamlet: To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscoverd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Richard: This is just you. You're the only one who feels this way. Other people either kill themselves to escape life, or just live their life the best they can. You're the only one who wants to kill yourself, but is too scared that what comes next might be worse. In any case, you should know that death isn't the end because your dad's ghost has been wandering around the battlements for the last few days and you've established it's him, not the devil. Why not ask him about what the dreams are like if you're so bothered. I mean he doesn't look very happy about anything, so perhaps stay alive, like I said at the start. But you seem to be ignoring half the stuff that is going on around you. I've never seen anyone so solipsistic and I document every second of my life.
Hamlet: And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied oer with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
Richard: Like I said at the start. Stay alive. Life's not so bad. Especially for a Prince. Look Ophelia is coming over. Give her a kiss, go and watch some comedy together and be thankful for what you have.... And don't stab anyone in the arras. Always make sure you can definitely see who you're stabbing before you're stabbing them. It's not the kind of thing you want to take a guess on. Good luck with the rest of the play. You should have a great time as long as you've listened to me.
I am way cleverer than Shakespeare. The dead idiot. I hope he's having the worst fucking nightmares ever.
And I can announce that after much negotiations with all the Mes (and some legal wrangling - Me2 didn't want to do it, but was contractually obligated), the first ever live frame of Me1 Vs Me2 Snooker is now confirmed for Assembly 3 at 9.30pm on the 12th August in Edinburgh. Only 120 lucky/unlucky people (at most) will witness this (though the audio podcast will be released as usual), so BOOK NOW. You can
get tickets here.
If it goes well I might do 25 of them next year.
Here's the press release:
RICHARD HERRING announces the first ever LIVE frame of cult/irritating snooker podcast Me1 vs Me 2. Further to his hugely successful Leicester Square Theatre and Edinburgh podcasts, and his hotly anticipated live show Were All Going to Die! watch a grown man play himself at snooker whilst commentating. Taking place at the Assembly 3 at 21:30 on August 12th, see Referee2, commentator1, Richard1 and Richard2 in the flesh. Mental breakdown has never been so entertaining!
Me1 vs Me2 Snooker with RICHARD HERRING is a series of exhibition snooker matches in which RICHARD HERRING recreates his lonely childhood by playing himself at snooker and commentating as he plays. Who will win Me1 or Me2 and is there any real difference between these closely matched players? Will their different personalities shine through? And how much of this can you listen to before you become as unhinged as Me1, Me2 and the commentator Mes? This really is just a grown man playing snooker against himself on a wonky 6ft by 3ft snooker table in a room which is not quite big enough. WARNING: This is an incredibly self-indulgent and boring show. You only have yourself to blame if you listen and then become hooked and begin to favour one of the two Mes over the other.
All profits from the show will be donated to Scope www.scope.org.uk
Ends
WHAT iTUNES LISTENERS HAVE SAID ABOUT
RICHARD HERRING - Me1 vs Me2
Richard has been threatening this podcast for sometime and now it's here it is surprisingly funny. Highlights include tripping over things, forgetting whose turn it is and remembering the fact that you are listening to a middle aged man talk to himself in his basement.
Quite frankly the worst podcast ever
an old man recording himself playing snooker on not even a real-size snooker table against himself. Really?
I found this got better after the first 7 hours. Or at least less worse.
WHAT THE PRESS HAVE SAID ABOUT RICHARD HERRINGS PODCASTS
The best comedy podcast out there by far, but its even funnier as a live show. Time Out
Risque, witty and with a no-holds-barred broadcast manner that you won't find anywhere on FM radio Daily Telegraph
A secret triumph, more than a middle-aged man playing snooker against themselves in a basement, it is a hero, fighting against a tide of mediocrity and repetition, struggling to create a brave, new and original vision" Freaking Awesome Network
LISTINGS INFORMATION
Richard Herring - Me1 vs Me2 With
Venue: Assembly 3
Date: 12th August
Time: 9.30pm
Box Office: 0131 226 0000
