What's this? My second TV recording in five days? Looks like the TV bosses were just waiting for me to turn 45 so they could give me work. It's TV all the way now. I won't have to write this stupid blog or record my dumbass podcasts. It will all be TV, TV, TV. Every four days another show. Ha ha ha. I hate you all and you will never know.
Shit, forgot to type in (aside).
Today I was doing a set for Dave's One Night Stand at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. I don't think I have played here since about 1997, when Stew and me did a gig to celebrate our 10th anniversary of working together. I remember we did a joke about Gillian Shepherd's Bush, which should help date the performance quite precisely and the fact that it was about any woman having a bush puts it firmly in the 20th Century. Back then we only filled the bottom part of this big theatre (we were never very popular as a live act - once managing to get about 800 people to come and see us in Brighton but usually only attracting a couple of hundred if we were lucky). Tonight the place would be full, but then Al Murray was the headliner and the tickets were free, so if you're going to cheat by getting popular performers and not charging then of course you can have a sell-out!
Cool to be playing my local big theatre and not only because it meant I could walk home afterwards!
I can see why some people who appear on telly regularly can turn into arseholes, as you do get treated like you're some kind of medieval king (not so much on the BBC where they have to account for every penny). There were people asking me if I needed any food or drink, crisps, chocolate and fruit in my room and a little bag containing a gift. I mean, it's lovely and I am very grateful, but I am getting to be on TV and I am getting paid and I get a present as well!? It's nuts.
Not that it's not nice to be treated like a medieval king for a day, but if it was every day (or even every four days) then you could see how it might turn you. Might you turn up, take one look at the dressing room and say, "Where the fuck's my fucking present?"
"It's here sir, on the table."
"Oh is it? Well why didn't someone put it a bit more obvious? And this isn't as nice a present as I got when I was on Dave." SMASHES UP DRESSING ROOM.
This is a good day. Getting to do my stuff on TV for a very nice monetary payment is partly what I've been working towards for the last eight years (if not 25 years). If they're handing out presents I should have got them on one of the shitty days. I could really have done with a present when no one turned up to see me do a book reading in Banbury or when I died on my arse at the Bear Cat in 1990 or when I was crying on the floor of the Masonic Lodge in Edinburgh in 1987 (and being masturbated by a ventriloquist dummy by Stewart Lee does not count - I could have done with a present after that too). This is why everything is arse over tit. You start getting the free stuff once you've earned enough money to buy it anyway. Where were you Dave when I was living off baked potatoes in Acton in 1991? All right, you didn't exist. But that's not the point. A bit more foresight please! You could have clubbed together and bought me an ice cream. I don't ask for much.
I am messing about of course. The team and the welcome I was given was fantastic and because this isn't a daily occurrence for me I was able to appreciate it, as well as being able to guess what I might become if this was a daily occurrence. As I've often said about touring, just the smallest bit of kindness or assistance at a venue really helps put you in a good frame of mind for the show. The only danger tonight was that I would eat so many chocolates that I would explode mid-set.
I was pleased with the performance too. On the whole this was not an audience who knew me, I don't think, so the material was put to the test. I felt calm and confident though. I came on shouted, "Hello Shepherd's Bush! I live just round the corner. Who wants to come back to mine for a party afterwards?" The crowd cheered (the idiots - I had not intention of having a party really) and I started my first joke.
The floor manager then came from behind the wings to tell me that we'd have to start the section again. In the past this kind of interruption might have completely thrown me - but I took it in my stride. I joked about how it was a bit unfair to take me off as I hadn't even told a gag yet and that as much as I understood that the first 10 seconds had been disappointing that it'd be nice to be given a little bit longer. The crowd were sympathetic and laughed along, enjoying seeing the out takes happening before their eyes. Luckily I was allowed another go and I came on, hugged Al again came to the mic said "Hello Shepherd's Bush," then paused and said, "Weird, deja vu!" So if that stays in the show you'll know why.
The gig went well and I managed to appall an Al Murray audience with the idea of vaginal frubes, so my work in life is more or less done.
The only problem is that I don't know how I will get through tomorrow without someone to go to the Westfield and buy me some Wagamamas. I am ruined. Ruined.
The show will be on Dave in November I believe. I just want to be on telly.
In case you missed it yesterday (I added it late)
Here's line up so far for Edinburgh Fringe podcasts (a few names added from yesterday too)
2nd Sarah Kendal - Iszi Lawrence
3rd Lucy Porter - Catie Wilkins
4th Marek Larwood - Doug Segal
5th Andrew O Neil - Juliet Meyers
6th Brendon Burns
7th Susan Calman
8th Mick Foley
9th Nina Conti - Christian Reilly
10th Matthew Kelly - Matthew Osborn
11th Helen Keen (stand up)
12th Ahir Shah (stand up)
14th - Al Murray - Grainne Maguire
15th Sarah Millican - Lou Sanders
18th Jay Foreman (stand up)
