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There was a bed in my dressing room in Guildford tonight, which is a nice touch in most ways - at my age having a little nap before gigs is increasingly tempting. A few years back I bought an inflatable bed to put up in dressing rooms on the advice of Jenny Eclair. I never ended up using it though.
But somehow a bed that's been in a dressing room, maybe for years, is a little unappealing. It just feels a bit sleazy somehow and I couldn't help wonder about the awful things that might have happened there over the years, as the giants of showbiz took occupation of that room. The bed was probably not there in the seventies and eighties and yet it just feels like it would still be tainted.
I sleep in a different bed most nights of the tour and you can be almost sure that terrible acts will have taken place on that bed given the number of occupants a room will have had and yet somehow that doesn't feel the same.
It felt like this sad little single bed had some secrets to tell and that if I even sat on it I would be tainted by its miserable past. At the very least I bet some much-loved fading TV star had wanked on it.
I didn't wank on it. I kept away from it.
It's lucky that beds can't talk or understand what is happening on them. I hope they can't understand. What if they witness everything but are unable to scream in horror or laugh in disgust. I hope I don't come back as a bed in a dressing room or in a hotel. Or anywhere really.
My own bed has to put up with me snoring on it and that is the least of my crimes.
I didn't have time to sleep in the encrusted jism of a thousand panto stars (I am sure they wash the sheets, but that stuff is pervasive) and the show was another good one. This has definitely been my most consistent tour and the show seems bullet proof. As expected the stuff with Right Bollock is so much fun now, after a shaky start in the first few gigs. I have overcome or at least used my embarrassment and he chucks in new bits that often make me laugh.
It looks like we will be doing more shows in 2025, but for now Andover is the only gig with tickets left. So come and see me there just in case. There's no guarantee that I will get to 2025. Or you. Or any of us the way things are going.
First guests for the new run of RHLSTP have been booked. One of them is named in your secret area if you're a badger or a plusser, the other is Adrian Edmondson on 30th September -
book here.Worth booking early for the gigs with no guests confirmed. I'm aiming high and the tickets are cheaper now than they will be later. Support the podcast if you can/want to/can be arsed.
